If you like hilarious jokes then you’ve come to the right place.
I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) May 1, 2014
[muddy girl with long wet hair crawls out of tv]
Me: Rent plus utilities is $1250 a month.
[crawls back into tv]
— bez (@Bez) August 24, 2016
my life is like chess its boring and i dont get it
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) August 13, 2016
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) April 7, 2015
I can still hear his last words. "I'm *chokes back tears* I'm gonna try and put my hat on that bear."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) October 8, 2014
i brushed up against a tree branch and it appeared in the 'people you may know' on facebook
— jhon typo name (@dearjhonletter) March 28, 2016
alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i'm the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
— derek (@eedrk) May 26, 2015
"I wasn't ready for some football." I look at my rolled up sleeve covering my stump. "I wasn't ready at all."
— Richard Pictures (@doctorveritas) May 11, 2013
Your 30's mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) December 22, 2014
We'd like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) December 23, 2014
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 27, 2015
I am the movie trailer of people. I show you my only 2 redeeming qualities & then you realize I'm garbage & I've stolen $15 from your wallet
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) August 16, 2014
sorry i laughed when you said you're feeling melancholy. i was picturing a dog made out of fruit
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) August 21, 2016
Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand
— tanks (@Burger_Time_) January 24, 2015
I have this great midnight snack it's called, what do I think my roommate won't notice if I eat the edges off of
— neens (@ninatreemonkey) February 14, 2013