Mike
Welcome to another edition of 15 Twitter Jokes. I’m your host, Mike Primavera.
load my ashes into a t-shirt cannon and fire it at people i hate
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) September 9, 2014
Garfield: I'm grumpy
Jon: I can legally have you murdered whenever I want.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) November 5, 2014
Welcome to Indiana. We have babies named Randy
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 28, 2016
When I was a kid we paid $100 for a calculator you couldn't even tweet on
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) September 4, 2016
My favorite German children's story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
— beth angryoctopus (@bourgeoisalien) August 21, 2014
Dentist: "When was the last time you flossed?"
Me: "BRO, you were there."
— Holly Anne (@HollyMemphis) September 30, 2015
https://twitter.com/jacob_swift16/status/709518968613171200
*grabs grocery store intercom* EVERYTHING CARBON BASED IS ORGANIC *noises of struggle* DON'T LET BIG ORGANIC FOOL YOU!
— Please Be Nice To The Fragile Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) August 21, 2016
Say NO! to drugs.
Say YES! to drugs.
It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) August 31, 2015
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 28, 2016
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) October 23, 2015
I know it's time to do laundry because I'm down to all my sexy underwear.
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) November 16, 2012
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
— Fury Pesto (@RocketRankoon) March 20, 2015
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) April 26, 2016
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him 🙁
— wwwdmmmffnn (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013