Mike
Let’s start the New Year off right with this list of excellent tweets.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 22, 2014
who the hell is jeff pic.twitter.com/UlKVBbBLgw
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 31, 2016
After a long Christmas Santa retreats to the North Pole to eat twigs mud and other things to plug up his anus during the hibernation period.
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 27, 2014
[sex scene comes on while watching a movie with Dad]
Me: Aww yeah dad here's the good part!
— denise (@Stellacopter) March 4, 2015
The opposite of Apolo Anton Ohno is Dionysus Antoff Hellyeah.
— greg (@GrowlyGrego) August 11, 2015
Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 3, 2015
https://twitter.com/Jamie1947/status/560580277966106625
BREAKING NEWS: another guy on Facebook introduced his son to Star Wars and it went great.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 6, 2013
I finally found my spirit animal pic.twitter.com/hgBIK0nYKy
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 26, 2016
strap a GoPro to a pancake and flip it
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) January 3, 2015
When mom blocked dad on Twitter he created a female British nanny alt account to interact with us
— Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) February 7, 2016
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/805843439145353216
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor's house
— Napcore Influencer (@SortaBad) December 24, 2016
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 27, 2016
https://twitter.com/cosminaut/status/434595964893270016