Let’s start the New Year off right with this list of excellent tweets.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) January 22, 2014
who the hell is jeff pic.twitter.com/UlKVBbBLgw
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 31, 2016
After a long Christmas Santa retreats to the North Pole to eat twigs mud and other things to plug up his anus during the hibernation period.
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 27, 2014
[sex scene comes on while watching a movie with Dad]
Me: Aww yeah dad here's the good part!
— denise (@Stellacopter) March 4, 2015
The opposite of Apolo Anton Ohno is Dionysus Antoff Hellyeah.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) August 11, 2015
Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 3, 2015
What did people even hold in their hands before there were iPhones and vape pens? Swords, I guess?
— Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) January 28, 2015
BREAKING NEWS: another guy on Facebook introduced his son to Star Wars and it went great.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 6, 2013
I finally found my spirit animal pic.twitter.com/hgBIK0nYKy
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 26, 2016
strap a GoPro to a pancake and flip it
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) January 3, 2015
When mom blocked dad on Twitter he created a female British nanny alt account to interact with us
— Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) February 7, 2016
My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order
— vineyille (@vineyille) December 5, 2016
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor's house
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) December 24, 2016
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 27, 2016
"Spice up sex life by dressing up with your partner"
*glues little cop hat to hand*
Oh hello officer. Was I speeding?
— cosmin 🇨🇦 (@cosminaut) February 15, 2014