Mike
From the vast vacuum of Twitter, I bring you…tweets.
https://twitter.com/aligarchy/status/545143937673871360
Being an adult is about two things:
1. Ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want
2. Never doing anything— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) September 9, 2016
Next generation Monopoly pieces:
-Croc
-Fedora
-Prius
-iPhone
-Starbucks cup
-A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) August 14, 2015
I just saw somebody say they had a "Master's in sarcasm" but I don't know if they really did you guys
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/789976799560237056
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen— rob elliott (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016
https://twitter.com/estrellitaxvx/status/819671864117231616
[Ghost stops playing tennis and turns to camera]
"I am totally dead, but with twice daily Resurrectra, I don't let my 'disease' define me."
— Glenn Loury 2.0 Darker, Gayer, Different (@justabloodygame) March 30, 2016
https://twitter.com/fro_vo/status/814651580041596929
https://twitter.com/animadvertguy/status/784970052319653888
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU
ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead*
MUGGER: ???
ME: I'm thinking.— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) February 24, 2015
"Come along, Trash Spaceship," I say to my purse as we leave the house.
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 2, 2013
sometimes a man says a thing so dumb my eyes roll far enough that i can see the exact brain area that's atrophied frm chronic disappointment
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) October 4, 2016
https://twitter.com/longwall26/status/449908348985802752