From the vast vacuum of Twitter, I bring you…tweets.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) December 17, 2014
Being an adult is about two things:
1. Ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want
2. Never doing anything
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) September 9, 2016
Next generation Monopoly pieces:
-A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) August 14, 2015
I just saw somebody say they had a "Master's in sarcasm" but I don't know if they really did you guys
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 8, 2017
Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 22, 2016
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
E: dammit Stephen
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016
who is cyber bullying my son pic.twitter.com/TKapZwHhnN
— heaviside (@heavisidexvx) January 12, 2017
[Ghost stops playing tennis and turns to camera]
"I am totally dead, but with twice daily Resurrectra, I don't let my 'disease' define me."
— Glenn Loury 2.0 (@justabloodygame) March 30, 2016
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
— FroVoving (@fro_vo) December 30, 2016
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
CORONER: where's his shoes?
— fancy dinner recipes (@animadvertguy) October 9, 2016
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU
ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead*
ME: I'm thinking.
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) February 24, 2015
"Come along, Trash Spaceship," I say to my purse as we leave the house.
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 2, 2013
sometimes a man says a thing so dumb my eyes roll far enough that i can see the exact brain area that's atrophied frm chronic disappointment
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) October 4, 2016
Son, it's time to tell you about the birds and bees. *peers through blinds* They're everywhere, son. They rule the skies. Here's a gun.
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) March 29, 2014