Mike
Kick off your shoes and relax your feet, and party on down with this list of great tweets.
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/412501062776410112
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn't asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) January 27, 2017
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 24, 2016
https://twitter.com/RegularFred/status/705062469769797632
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
"Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
— Amanda hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) January 22, 2016
https://twitter.com/Joerobinow/status/741042883386441729
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/715531700906778627
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/826666757767061504
the exact moment my dog realized that the cat was coming home with us for good pic.twitter.com/ycqfA9relO
— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) August 31, 2015
https://twitter.com/mikefossey/status/592169335667486720
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback.
— ceej (@ceejoyner) May 23, 2014
yes hello 911, i just accidentally liked my ex's vacation pic from 2004
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 7, 2014
sad to think all the animals in Space Jam are dead now
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) September 20, 2013
MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no"
[later]
JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing
[later]
ME: so mom, guess what
— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) March 5, 2016
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
— Listen here Nomb Nuts (@dril) July 19, 2014