Kick off your shoes and relax your feet, and party on down with this list of great tweets.
Oh so this bath is only for birds?
Pass me my pants, I have a pocket copy of the constitution in there I'd like you to read.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 16, 2013
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
MT: i wasn't asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were
— online hype guy (@TheHyyyype) January 27, 2017
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 24, 2016
Nobody seems to care about my dyslexia until I spit in the tips jar.
— regular fred (@RegularFred) March 2, 2016
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
"Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
— Amanda hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) January 22, 2016
There's a special place in Hell for people who pay for Hell Premium™
— Real Mensch (@Joerobinow) June 9, 2016
[God creating dogs]
Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 31, 2016
doctor: what brings you here today
me: my car haha
doctor: (writing in chart) "not sexually active"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 1, 2017
the exact moment my dog realized that the cat was coming home with us for good pic.twitter.com/ycqfA9relO
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) August 31, 2015
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 26, 2015
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 23, 2014
yes hello 911, i just accidentally liked my ex's vacation pic from 2004
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 7, 2014
sad to think all the animals in Space Jam are dead now
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) September 20, 2013
MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no"
JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing
ME: so mom, guess what
— ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ123456789 (@mynameisntdave) March 5, 2016
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
— wint (@dril) July 19, 2014