I hope you have a wonderful day. These tweets will help.
Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare
— 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer (@abbycohenwl) March 23, 2015
Sometimes it's called free speech because no one wants to pay you for it.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) February 21, 2017
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017
Do you have BAD CREDIT? Is your sink FILLED WITH DIRTY DISHES? Are you feeling ACHES and PAINS? This might just BE HOW IT IS FROM NOW ON.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) September 22, 2015
if a frog burped how would you even know
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) November 22, 2016
I solve math problems with violence.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) March 19, 2016
Aries: An eccentric billionaire will hunt you for sport, but the joke's on him because you're slow and easy to kill.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) February 23, 2017
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
— wylde de beest (@flashember) November 2, 2015
History of art:
•things sorta looking like things
•things for God
•things about looking like things
— R&M (@dorsalstream) April 13, 2016
ME: [drinking a nice tall glass of cold milk]
SKELETON: [from inside me] Ahhhhhhhh.
— penjamin.thx (@upsidedowntrash) February 15, 2017
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
— Shawn (@online_shawn) August 2, 2014
"I set all the cattle free."
– Reverse Cowgirl
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 13, 2015
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) February 5, 2017
[pets your baby] Was it a rescue?
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) August 14, 2015
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.
— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) November 1, 2014