Here are some jokes to be enjoyed by you folks.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
— Kendra Gaylord (@kendragaylord) April 27, 2016
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
— Brendan Kelly (@badsandwich) February 2, 2014
"Who am I?" – Descartes.
"Why am I?" – Camus.
"What am I?" – Chopped Liver.
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) October 30, 2012
Finally, the convenience of a food truck IN a restaurant pic.twitter.com/YT02JeQURS
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 4, 2016
*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*
Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
— Jess (@jessforaminute) January 2, 2017
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) March 11, 2017
NARRATOR: I didn't want to just be a "good boy." I wanted to be a great boy. The greatest boy that ever lived. pic.twitter.com/YCYELPYRtG
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) March 10, 2017
Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?
— Jordan Stratton (@jordan_stratton) January 14, 2016
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 5, 2017
me: i watched porn
911: that's not an emergency. in fact it's quite normal
me: i'm gonna put u on speaker can u repeat that? LISTEN UP MOM
— infinity + 1 (@stuckinaportal) September 14, 2016
Date: You don't look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) November 25, 2016
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) January 12, 2015
I'm writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
— My Name Is Doctor Happyknuckles And I Approved Thi (@drhappyknuckles) July 5, 2015
ME: Wh-who's there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
— mo (@chuuew) October 20, 2016
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
— Mayor P (your friendly neighborhood mayor) (@punmagnate) May 9, 2016