Mike
Here are your tweets of the week, you lucky so-and-so.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I'm doing
— Jake (@dubiousrhetoric) November 19, 2016
Eric Clapton looks like everyone who likes Eric Clapton
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 15, 2017
Thrilled to get this book signed today pic.twitter.com/Y3yk2XDRT0
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 11, 2017
[microphone guy whispering to camera guy as they film episode one of my survival show] seems kinda early to be drinking piss
— brent (@murrman5) April 11, 2017
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth— regular keith (@ghostkrogh) October 19, 2015
on average, humans have one testicle
— rachelle mandik 🕳 (@rachelle_mandik) April 20, 2016
https://twitter.com/jeffdsilva/status/852693667202482177
I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) April 13, 2017
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is "old" plus your gender plus your last name.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 8, 2017
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said "and here's the liar in her natural habitat"
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) April 5, 2017
Whats a dentists favorite time of day? The time of day he get into his BMW to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day
— Peter Wet (@rudetanks) May 15, 2015
I live every day in fear that my job will be replaced by a machine, but until then…GUMBALLS! GET YER GUMBALLS HERE! ONLY 25 CENTS!
— Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) March 30, 2017
i see you wrote "pam's lunch" on your lunch. dear, sweet pam. i wrote my name over it. there's nothing you can do. you underestimate me, pam
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) October 15, 2014
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'
— marf (@MarfSalvador) February 15, 2017
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) June 3, 2015