Please take a moment to read these excellent tweets. Thank you.
Betty White is so old she starred on a 7-season TV show about being old that went off the air before most of you were born
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) April 9, 2017
DENTIST: use this razor string to saw your gums. I call it "floss"
ME: dude this hurts. I'm bleeding
DENTIST: you should do it more, then
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) April 25, 2017
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 15, 2016
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) April 13, 2017
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
— beth angryoctopus (@bourgeoisalien) September 26, 2015
This is why you don't buy things when you're drunk, pic.twitter.com/pdUQGoY2gQ
— Shervin (@ShervinSinatra) March 2, 2016
The killer presses his gun to my head. "Stand up," he orders. "And don't run."
"Don't worry," I gasp, winded from standing.
— Connor (@EdgarAllanLo) January 19, 2015
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
— ibid (@ibid78) April 8, 2015
Back when I was a kid it required incredible, angry dedication to drop a phone into a toilet.
— My Name Is Doctor Happyknuckles And I Approved Thi (@drhappyknuckles) May 7, 2017
i don't see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower's job to clean me
— warm yellow gourd (@warmyellowlight) August 16, 2015
I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed-in on Google Earth really fast.
— Captain's Log (@howe007) August 21, 2013
Right after you burn popcorn in the microwave at work pic.twitter.com/P99GdhBYSb
— Cats don’t care about politics (@iLikeCatShirts) April 30, 2017
[the invention of knocking]
i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me
— glam cabal (@themiltron) April 30, 2017