Mike
Please enjoy some of the best tweets I found clinking around in the ol twitter machine.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.— brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2013
"I must make this movie" — Nic Cage reading a menu
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) May 11, 2015
therapist: you're not alone
me: ah yes of course………aliens— lil bones jones (@aimiekins) January 29, 2017
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/724782052344795136
https://twitter.com/stephanieboland/status/859706596653400064
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015
https://twitter.com/meatballwizard/status/852001786202390528
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/612929798843674624
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we'll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) December 16, 2014
[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO— rob elliott (@rockymomax) December 7, 2016
https://twitter.com/mikefossey/status/592169335667486720
we got the bastard pic.twitter.com/kIRYB7tYzx
— Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) May 19, 2017
https://twitter.com/FuckabillyRex/status/681648532206432256
https://twitter.com/xLiserx/status/805623196036845568
Last Week’s Funny Tweets–>