Please enjoy some of the best tweets I found clinking around in the ol twitter machine.
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
— brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2013
"I must make this movie" — Nic Cage reading a menu
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) May 11, 2015
therapist: you're not alone
me: ah yes of course………aliens
— johnny b. goode (@aimiekins) January 29, 2017
"I'd like you to paint me a cat."
"A cat. You do know what a cat is, right? You've seen a cat?"
"Uh, yeah. Of course." pic.twitter.com/GeYOogkWO5
— Stephanie Boland (@stephanieboland) May 3, 2017
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015
Me: hey, look at me *I put a bugle chip up to my mouth like the musical instrument* toot toot toot
Prison guard: how'd you get that
— marty (@meatballwizard) April 12, 2017
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) June 22, 2015
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we'll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) December 16, 2014
[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) December 7, 2016
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 26, 2015
"PARKOUR!!!" I shout as I roll out of bed for the first time in nearly 30 hours.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) December 29, 2015
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
"Oh no! My research!!"
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) December 5, 2016