Mike
Get your tweets here. Who wants a nice hot bag of tweets?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) June 16, 2017
https://twitter.com/mikefossey/status/646843794877509632
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here's how I'm gonna make tonight about me.— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 21, 2014
[whispering to son before he goes in mcdonalds play place] in about ten minutes pretend you're stuck so I can go in there
— brent (@murrman5) April 29, 2017
In 2001 I got laid in a no fear tshirt but I was terrified.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) December 14, 2013
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans— rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 19, 2017
https://twitter.com/rorynotroy/status/355880014983593984
Every McDonald's looks the same so it's hard to remember which one I left my baby in
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) January 8, 2016
https://twitter.com/senderblock23/status/842572396238270465
https://twitter.com/BuckyIsotope/status/705786325329276928
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) May 15, 2017
https://twitter.com/TheWoodenslurpy/status/622094987497332737
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' is a hit with both critics and readers.
— Zach (@NamestartswithZ) August 19, 2016
Just ate a pack of fruit snacks alone with one other person in an elevator, like Javier Bardem would do in a movie before murdering them.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) June 14, 2017
MILLENNIAL: omg the line at starbucks is so long lol
BOOMER: a racoon died in the well & we all got ass fever. the king stole our best goat— elon mustard (@nice_mustard) December 9, 2016