These are all of the tweets you didn’t know you needed.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
There's an unwritten rule that if your pet is comfortable sitting on you, you don't move, even if this causes the petrification of your body pic.twitter.com/ul1I2TFYWE
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) June 22, 2017
NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS! UNLESS YOU'VE TRIED FOR A LONG TIME AND STILL AREN'T THAT GOOD! THEN IT'S OK TO JUST GO DO SOMETHING ELSE!
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) June 11, 2017
I'm not saying I over complicate things but I probably would've spent a lot of time trying to make ice hands before I thought of oven mitts.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 18, 2015
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don't think I am.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) January 20, 2014
Many people that appear "cool" actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
— Mark Magark (@markedly) August 20, 2016
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017
"I need less of this" *makes talking motion w/ hand* "and more of this" *elaborate pantomime depicting the prep / serving of waffles*
— Thanksgiving Name🚽™ (@LostCatDog) April 16, 2013
"One bargain bucket please"
"ok sir, and would you like any sides?"
"Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 11, 2014
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) September 27, 2013
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016
A sombrero lands on your head out of nowhere & without warning. You're stunned but mainly by how great it looks on you. I reload my hatapult
— Troutman (@robotrowboat) October 7, 2013
[god creating ants]
— FroVoving (@fro_vo) July 20, 2016
People who say "don't hate the player hate the game" are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate 2 things at once
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) April 17, 2016