Noah Berman
Full disclosure: We may receive a portion of the sales produced by your clicks on this shameless list. But something’s gotta pay for our billionaire lifestyles. And this is better than loading up Pleated-Jeans with banner ads.
If you don’t like it, we’d be happy to refund your membership to the site.
1. A silicone steamer in the shape of a melting pig’s face, because why not?
Price: $24.94
2. This welcome alternative to using real salmon for a pillow.
Price: $16.50
3. This Gummy Bear anatomy puzzle, or is possibly a Gummy Bear-shaped torture chamber filled with a tiny animal that died trying to escape it? Only one way to find out!
Price: $26.99
4. This book that sounds like 80 pages of “Oh yea? Fucking watch me!”
Price: $9.95. Also available for Kindle.
5. This vinyl wall decal of the torso of an Asian business person, or: An Asian centaur, without the bottom half?
Utterly insane review: “Unbelievable. Really ties the room together. 10/10 would recommend.” —Maddi Durbin
Price: $25.09+. Available in six sizes. SIX!!!!!
6. A headband with mullet hair attached to it.
Price: $9.99. Also available in black mullet and blonde mullet. No ginger mullet though. Because that’s just gross.
7. Oh, just a cookbook for your baby’s placenta.
Price: $2.99 for Kindle.
8. This air freshener that’ll remind you Jesus is always there for you and smells like fresh mountain air.
Price: $5.98
9. A flayed man fleece throw blanket.
Price: $29.97
10. A centaur finger puppet.
“Great for classrooms!” —Product description, LITERALLY.
Price: $9.99. Also available in Handicorn, Handipug, Handihorse, and Handicat.
11. A plush tonsil is the best way to keep a severed human appendage in your house without the FBI getting involved.
Price: $21.99. Available in 30+ anatomical parts.
12. This is a dick trophy. That you can buy. With money.
Price: $3.57
13. This Nicolas Cage pillow cover will make you drool even more in your sleep.
Price: $9.80.
14. A set of small hands that you place on each finger to creep everyone the f**k out.
Price: $7.77 for five
15. This hat?
Price: $3.50+. Available in 16 colors, and also knight helmet.
16. A half-torso husband pillow, dressed in business casual attire.
Price: $32.99.
17. 90 servings of Dippin’ Dots.
Price: $228 for three gallons of Dippin’ Dots, 90 Dippin’ Dots cups, and 90 plastic spoons. Available in 10 flavors.
18. An afro wig for dogs. Is it racist? Not sure, but people are buying them either way.
Price: $1.99. Available in two sizes.
19. This pocket-sized suture pad so you can take your human flesh sewing hobby with you anywhere.
Price: $19.99. Also available in extra large with wounds.
20. Oh, just two anthropomorphized bananas f**king.
Price: $16.99.
21. A pair of live Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches for $12. That’s just $6 per nightmare!
Price: $12 for two, WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.
22. And a life-sized Bigfoot statue.
Nice review: “My Bigfoot’s name is Paul, after the apostle.” —chompy_jr
Price: $799.99. Available in two other sizes that don’t matter.