Mike
Here are 15 of the best tweets I could find this week. Please enjoy.
https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/888786935564705792
https://twitter.com/LostCatDog/status/303491080459018241
https://twitter.com/rachelle_mandik/status/866728230769881088
WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's on the news.
THERAPIST: Any truth to that?
ME: *shuffling papers* This just in, Karen is a goddamn liar.— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 2, 2016
https://twitter.com/Barknado69/status/676765826934964225
"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know"
Me: wow 3 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
— Emily Barry (@EmiBarry) July 26, 2017
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/889727519867387909
what if someone offers me drugs at this party
"just play it cool"
ok
[me to guy in tank top 10 mins later] no thanks I had a big lunch— brent (@murrman5) July 26, 2017
(uses ouija board to talk to dad who died in 1999)
"W…A…A…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…— david (@_elvishpresley_) July 27, 2017
https://twitter.com/catstronomical/status/825476938420596743
https://twitter.com/therealeatwood/status/692406733621325825
Raul is one of those names where every letter sounds like it's trying to be in charge.
— Devin (@papasuncle) May 27, 2017
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
"Congrats" on your baby.
Congrats on "your" baby.
Congrats on your "baby".— Devin (@papasuncle) July 23, 2017
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know…
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 11, 2014
i hav cat-like reflexes
"prove it"
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat— jonny sun (@jonnysun) January 3, 2015