Mike
Please do not eat these tweets. They are “read only”.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.— Tinker Elle (@elle91) October 12, 2015
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
[Arthur's Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be'est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
— Todd 'Papi Birthday' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) May 11, 2016
[Jeopardy]
Host: "So tell us a little more about yourself!"
Me: *Leans into microphone* "No thanks Alex."— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 17, 2014
Tombstone of two of the best breakdancers pic.twitter.com/i1riSYFsOo
— Mike Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) September 25, 2014
What number SPF blocks people?
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) July 1, 2017
Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That's not what I meant.
M: I don't care.— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) May 25, 2016
Women's deodorant scents: Cashmere Mist, Lavender Fields, Hawaiian Breeze.
Men's deodorant scents: MANLY MAN, FAST CAR, BASKETBALL, GUN
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) July 29, 2017
If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.
— thankstiving (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016
triscuits are what i imagine the inside of a scarecrow tastes like
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) January 15, 2015
"should i go into the arts?"
"can you imagine yourself doing anything else?"
"no"
"then i wouldn't go into the arts, with no imagination"
— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) February 13, 2016
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don't want that.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) August 5, 2017
Remember, don't stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they're good at stabbing. Be nice
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) July 21, 2017
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m' lady.— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) June 23, 2017
if matter cannot be created or destroyed then how come I've had diahrrea several times more than I've eaten today
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) June 2, 2017