Mike
Here are all the tweets you need in your life.
1.
https://twitter.com/feralcrone/status/841433716023001089
2.
People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 1, 2017
3.
It is perfectly acceptable to stare at any species through binoculars except my own.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) February 11, 2015
4.
https://twitter.com/usedwigs/status/551563292360310785
5.
https://twitter.com/weismanjake/status/893717923944058881
6.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can't help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
— House of 1000 Fionas (@cogentanalysis) March 22, 2017
7.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 1, 2015
8.
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) November 6, 2016
9.
In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) April 1, 2016
10.
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016
11.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I'd be like that's enough art.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 14, 2015
12.
https://twitter.com/markydoodoo/status/893171006415785984
13.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
14.
https://twitter.com/whatmaddness/status/865594514098061312
15.
https://twitter.com/thedairylanddon/status/682419333071515648
Last Week’s Funny Tweets –>