15 Twitter Jokes Everyone Should Read

Here are all the tweets you need in your life.

1.

https://twitter.com/feralcrone/status/841433716023001089

2.

People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 1, 2017

3.

It is perfectly acceptable to stare at any species through binoculars except my own.

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) February 11, 2015

4.

Anyone recommend a good book to sit on my nightstand untouched for 3 years collecting dust while I mindlessly stare into this stupid screen?

— Jeff 🇵🇸 (@usedwigs) January 4, 2015

5.

https://twitter.com/weismanjake/status/893717923944058881

6.

https://twitter.com/cogentanalysis/status/844352099618033665

7.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) March 1, 2015

8.

Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet

MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living

— Ari Scott (@ariscott) November 6, 2016

9.

In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.

— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) April 1, 2016

10.

[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps

— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016

11.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I'd be like that's enough art.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 14, 2015

12.

https://twitter.com/markydoodoo/status/893171006415785984

13.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017

14.

https://twitter.com/whatmaddness/status/865594514098061312

15.

https://twitter.com/thedairylanddon/status/682419333071515648
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