Here are all the tweets you need in your life.
You try to teach your kids well but then you hear them say "hospital truck" when an ambulance goes by and you wonder what else you forgot.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 13, 2017
People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 1, 2017
It is perfectly acceptable to stare at any species through binoculars except my own.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) February 11, 2015
Anyone recommend a good book to sit on my nightstand untouched for 3 years collecting dust while I mindlessly stare into this stupid screen?
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) January 4, 2015
Currently watching a woman fall out of love with her boyfriend as she watches him do improv
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) August 5, 2017
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can't help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
— House of 1000 Fionas (@cogentanalysis) March 22, 2017
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 1, 2015
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) November 6, 2016
In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) April 1, 2016
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I'd be like that's enough art.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 14, 2015
Cats always seem to have that look on their face like you just asked them to help you move.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) August 3, 2017
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
No, I DON'T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
— madds (@whatmaddness) May 19, 2017
I don't trust any holiday that doesn't have a Twilight Zone marathon attached to it.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) December 31, 2015