Noah Berman
As a father of one (soon to be two #humblebrag) I feel it’s my duty to clearly and convincingly make the case that if you’re thinking about having kids of your own, you definitely shouldn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, being fruitful and multiplying has its advantages. For example, you can take a standard dependent deduction on your taxes. Plus you can take a deduction on some of their medical expenses as well as their daycare expenses. And also there are other deductions.
But there are a lot of disadvantages too. For example, they break all your s**t (and don’t even feel sorry for it), get you sick once a month, completely eat up your free time, and good luck trying to take a dump or watch porn without one of these little urchins barging in and ruining everything.
I guess my point is, if you like taking dumps and porn, you should very carefully study the following list before moving forward. BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HAVING KIDS IS LIKE:
1. First off, they always make you feel bad about yourself…
2. Like, horrible. What kinds of monsters say things like this?
3. They even make you feel like a terrible person before they’re even born.
4. Then there’s the “mystery sticky.”
5. And even when they’re trying to be”nice,” they’ll find a way to completely f**k that up.
6. Like watching a variety of TV and movies? Sorry, you’re no longer allowed to do that.
7. Ok this is pretty funny, right? Guess again, because your kid swallowed the key!
8. You know when your friend with a boring job tries to make it sound all important and interesting? Well that’s kids. About EVERYTHING. All the time.
9. Then there’s the part where all your adult friends without kids start to hate you for pretty much everything that comes out of your mouth.
10. Remember when you didn’t used to buy the extended protection plan on your stuff? Not anymore!
11. Oh, and they watch everything little you do and tell everyone about it.
12. Then there’s the s**t. And I don’t mean “the s**t” like Vietnam vets mean it. I mean actual s**t.
13. And I’ll just let the next 30 things speak for themselves…
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.
31.
32.
33.
34.
35.
36.
37.
38.
39.
40.
41.
43.
Q.E.D.