Hello, loyal followers. It is me, the owner of this website. Some of you claimed I was dead…WELL YOU WERE WRONG. I am not going anywhere, but I am taking a backseat on the blogging so I can focus on MAKING original content instead of CURATING it. Many of you have noticed recent changes to the site (and more are coming). I hope you like the updates. If you don’t, please yell in the comments so we can adjust as necessary. In the meantime, follow me on Twitter for more Jeff time…
[petting stranger's dog]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) June 15, 2017
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The human psyche:
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 31, 2017
Id: your instincts
Eagle: a large eagle that helps u make decisions
Super eagle: same as regular eagle but wears a crown
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him swim that's seahorse territory land horses aren't allowed in per the ancient pact
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 23, 2016
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 15, 2015
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day that's why I eat 10 large breakfasts a day my power is all-consuming, my terror, absolute.
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 5, 2017
Are you there God? It's me, a complete failure who has squandered the preciousness of life that you foolishly gifted me
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 29, 2017
1st base-kissing
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) February 14, 2017
2nd base-resisting sin
3rd base-not having sex
4th base-taking a cold shower
5th base-yelling NO at Satan
6th base-prayer
Why do spiders have to be the thing inside houses
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 16, 2017
Why can't it be hamsters
Why can't I open a drawer & see a tiny hamster eating a carrot
You may never be able to ride a dinosaur into battle, but you can ride an ostrich into a crowded Denny's trust me it is just as exhilarating
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 24, 2017
2017's hottest exercise trend is reading the news & then running outside to punch the ground in an all-consuming fit of rage
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 31, 2017
Date tip: show up to her place holding a baked potato. If she's excited to eat it, she's the one. If she's not, it wasn't meant to be.
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 8, 2017
Reasons to bring a bee on a tiny leash to a party:
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 30, 2017
1. it's a great conversation starter
2. If you are too shy you can just talk to the bee
Spiders evolved to be excellent huggers that's why they have 8 legs every time you scream & run away they shed a tiny tear
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 25, 2017
date: wanna go back to my place?
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 24, 2017
Me: ok
[Cut to us on an apartment rooftop throwing beer bottles at the moon & screaming into the darkness]
[stands in church]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) April 14, 2017
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me: you could try walking into the ocean and just letting the current take you
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 15, 2017
Customer: I meant what do you recommend on the menu