Noah Berman
Each week I put my potential drinking problem to work for the fine fans of Pleated Jeans, polishing off an entire bottle of wine while scouring Twitter for some dank Tweets. Here is what was funny, at least at the time.
Oh, and as always, feel free to lecture me about my drinking and/or how some of these aren’t funny in the comments. I probably deserve both.
1.
If you're willing to look past the drawbacks of falling down stairs, it's actually a very effective method of getting down stairs
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 14, 2017
2.
Living in the UK must be so cool pic.twitter.com/yg4KUh7zrU
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) September 16, 2017
3.
Say what you will about white people, nobody is better at coming up with new ways to spell Hayley.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 11, 2017
4.
https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/888786935564705792
5.
When you take a selfie to get a photo of the hottie behind you! pic.twitter.com/VK0QKuEe4G
— Angie O’Neil (@cadburysmirnoff) September 8, 2017
6.
I feel you, vending machine, I feel you. pic.twitter.com/FlwDGkp61K
— Chris Pramas (@Pramas) September 10, 2017
7.
"Formerly calming", now this tea makes you freak the fuck out pic.twitter.com/l2MXHOrfkt
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 13, 2017
8.
https://twitter.com/robcosta69/status/907067551749955584
9.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders always looks like she's trying not to seem drunk while asking a pet store cashier for eight beagles. pic.twitter.com/Ls5WYdkZrv
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) September 13, 2017
10.
uh oh this google captcha… pic.twitter.com/bWh6StUR1v
— Tod Kurt @[email protected] (@todbot) September 11, 2017
11.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
12.
https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/905761309811253248
13.
I got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons
— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) September 7, 2017
14.
That depends. I haven't seen it in awhile but I forget — is it a big statue of Osama Bin Laden on a horse? https://t.co/zrDBLA05xc
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 11, 2017
15.
https://twitter.com/bobby/status/908832276175294464
16.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant "I'm not married but I don't want men to talk to me"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 14, 2017
17.
https://twitter.com/_youhadonejob1/status/907350924410138627
18.
I WAS TRYNNA VIDEO A RACCOON AND IT JUST PICKED UP MY PHONE AND TOOK OFF pic.twitter.com/sFWxdnkxbw
— Guy Williams (@ThatShamuGuy) October 12, 2016
19.
Just started writing my first porn script! pic.twitter.com/pgtRXr1TEy
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 16, 2017
20.
computer, show me what it would be like if dennis the menace and mr. wilson switched bodies pic.twitter.com/EyAx563nO2
— jake (@jakecurrie) September 15, 2017
21.
https://twitter.com/ColoradoUgly/status/908898312471838722
22.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
— mo (@chuuew) September 4, 2017
23.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 19, 2015