You’ll kick yourself for laughing at some of these, but you’ll laugh at them all the same. Embrace this list of silly tweets with open arms.
Dentist- "You have to wear a mouth guard because you grind too hard." Me- "On the dance floor?" Dentist- "No. What are you talking about?"
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) July 21, 2016
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-
Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
— thom, the fool (@Barknado69) December 15, 2015
Here is a list of things that are invisible:
— Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄 (@Flora__Flora) October 12, 2016
This is the 100 million years ago liberals want. pic.twitter.com/hY5nswgqnJ
— Jason Mustian (@jasonmustian) May 12, 2017
Kool Aid Man's kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) April 3, 2013
I have so much butt hair my diarrhea comes out as filtered drinking water.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 2, 2015
[being interviewed after losing beatboxing battle] were you just saying "p-p-p-pulled pork sandwiches" over and over?
— madds (@whatmaddness) August 1, 2017
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2016
6 minutes after walking into Sephora pic.twitter.com/5ah3bOmDJs
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) May 14, 2016
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 8, 2015
Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) November 3, 2014
I like the phrase "I wasn't born yesterday" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
— Gia Pennacchia (@GiaPennacchia) July 31, 2017
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
— wylde de beest (@flashember) April 14, 2016
which is why i begin my sentences in the middle
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) June 17, 2016
Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"
*20 minutes later*
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) May 21, 2016
sister: grandma passed away..
me: did that load
— ᴄʜʀɪs (@ChrisScarlette) August 18, 2016
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
— opeimu (@iamopeimu) October 10, 2016
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
— Kendra Gaylord (@kendragaylord) April 27, 2016
WOLVERINE'S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE'S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine's Dad
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) December 4, 2016
I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) October 9, 2016
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013