Mike
Marriage is complex and takes a lot of work to sustain, but when it comes to describing what it’s like, these people nail it in nice concise tweets. Also, don’t forget to take out the trash.
1.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
2.
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
3.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
4.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
5.
Got a popcorn maker for my wedding (it's my wife. She makes popcorn) pic.twitter.com/gug4Kyxd5O
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) June 9, 2017
6.
"I could just get Quilted Northern and you can get whatever your brand is," the most married man in Target sighs into speaker phone.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 20, 2017
7.
(Going to Wife's Work Party)
WIFE: Don't just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?— Please Be Nice To The Fragile Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) June 4, 2017
8.
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
9.
I just googled, "how to get away with killing my husband" on @IMKristenBell phone. Just in case. Now there's a record.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) May 11, 2015
10.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 18, 2017
11.
Let's get married so we can argue about whether or not to throw away a 13-year-old plate.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 25, 2017
12.
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
13.
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking For 140 (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
14.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
15.
Wife: I have clothes for you to try on.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor*
Me: Grow up.
Wife: I have some for you, too.
Me: *also flops*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2017
16.
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
17.
My husband & I fight by changing the wifi password.
— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) November 18, 2016
18.
WIFE: how does this house get so dirty so fast?
ME: *rollerblading through the kitchen while eating some nachos* kids are gross
— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 1, 2017
19.
Me: Want me to go grocery shopping?
Wife: NO. All you do is text me questions the whole time. I'll do it.
Husbanding level: Expert.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 14, 2016
20.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
21.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
22.
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
23.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
24.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It's not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015
25.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*— ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ123456789 (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
26.
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
27.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
28.
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
29.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
30.
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016
31.
"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"
– Marriage
— Bomedic Cust (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
32.
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
— beth angryoctopus (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
33.
Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
34.
You know you've been married a while when you can correctly answer "What's that one person's name in that movie about the thing?"
— Bomedic Cust (@Mr_Kapowski) November 4, 2016
35.
When you're married, 90% of a Friday night is asking "Do we have to go to this?"
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 5, 2016
36.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) October 22, 2016
37.
husband tries to dramatically break news by asking, "Are you sitting down?" and I'm like, sitting down is literally all I do
— Jenn (@heyevergreen) January 18, 2016
38.
[in bed]
Me: hey, did you grab my butt
Wife: yeah sorry, I was looking for the remote
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) November 6, 2016
39.
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
40.
Hey guys, if your wife says she's at home doing laundry, she's lying. She's at Target, they're all at Target, literally right this minute.
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) December 16, 2015