Mike
I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys.
1.
The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs
— mustard clown (@markydoodoo) October 14, 2017
2.
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
— september22 (@hodgesboi15) October 12, 2013
3.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck did like a craaaaazy amount of cocaine
— oll (@dulcetry) October 28, 2014
4.
https://twitter.com/OneTrickTofani/status/913903381235806208
5.
Friend I haven't seen in awhile: You look tired
Me: This is what I look like now— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 17, 2017
6.
https://twitter.com/aligarchy/status/907662132484952064
7.
Only drug I'm high off of is a lil drug called LIFE! …that's not even true. Life gets me down & I take a lot of pills for it actually.
— hambone (@toomanytoes) July 16, 2015
8.
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/903794591371071488
9.
DELIVERY GUY: I was in an accident on the way over here.
ME: (gently placing my hand on his shoulder) Give me my pizza.— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 4, 2017
10.
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/899386025558122497
11.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" sign I'm gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 26, 2017
12.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I'm gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I've been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) October 28, 2016
13.
(with a stoic look on my face)
autozone is short for automobile zone— ret (@rad_milk) October 17, 2017
14.
https://twitter.com/BarndogKarck/status/912514172977664001
15.
mulder: how can animal, my least favorite muppet baby, also be the adult muppet i most respect?
scully: I don't know, mulder— mark leidner (@markleidner) September 17, 2017