I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys.
The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) October 14, 2017
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
— september22 (@hodgesboi15) October 12, 2013
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck did like a craaaaazy amount of cocaine
— olll (@dulcetry) October 28, 2014
about to flush a raccoon pic.twitter.com/KRnvbtQi9p
— Hi, My Name is Nick Tofani. Welcome 2 My Home Page (@OneTrickTofani) September 29, 2017
Friend I haven't seen in awhile: You look tired
Me: This is what I look like now
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 17, 2017
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell pic.twitter.com/LM1yhbkW0M
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) September 12, 2017
Only drug I'm high off of is a lil drug called LIFE! …that's not even true. Life gets me down & I take a lot of pills for it actually.
— sicilorb (@toomanytoes) July 16, 2015
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
— Ygrene (from the online) (@Ygrene) September 2, 2017
DELIVERY GUY: I was in an accident on the way over here.
ME: (gently placing my hand on his shoulder) Give me my pizza.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 4, 2017
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" sign I'm gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 26, 2017
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I'm gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I've been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) October 28, 2016
(with a stoic look on my face)
autozone is short for automobile zone
— EVERETT BYRAM (@rad_milk) October 17, 2017
A sitcom ep where I have two dates at the same restaurant only both stood me up & I'm running between empty tables crying in the spaghettis
— Brendan Krick (@BarndogKarck) September 26, 2017
mulder: how can animal, my least favorite muppet baby, also be the adult muppet i most respect?
scully: I don't know, mulder
— mark leidner (@markleidner) September 17, 2017