Each week I put my potential drinking problem to work for the fine fans of Pleated Jeans, polishing off an entire bottle of wine while scouring Twitter for some dank Tweets. Here is what was funny, at least at the time.
A storm is a great time to steal a trampoline from a garden.
They'll assume it blew away.
But they won't look in case it killed someone.
— TwistedDoodles (@twisteddoodles) February 23, 2017
The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) October 14, 2017
IT'S CALLED *ROOMMATES*
YOU INVENTED ***ROOMMATES*** pic.twitter.com/zKo1VrFwqR
— Yulie [NSFL] 🐳 (@sugarsh0t) November 13, 2017
You might remember me from such riveting DMs as “That’s very kind, but I’m married.” and “Thanks! I’m sure you’ve got great tits, too, for a man.”
— Lynn AKA A Girl Has No Shame (@illiter8too) November 19, 2017
When u plug your phone into your car and the porn you were watching earlier starts blaring thru your speakers pic.twitter.com/1hyTB3wSxo
— w¡ll (@AmericanAsshoIe) November 15, 2017
excuse me waiter there's too many titties in my titty ice cream pic.twitter.com/LYzHK7hMbL
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) November 15, 2017
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) November 15, 2017
I have a chrome extension that makes all of trump's tweets seem like they were written in crayon. This one is just a little too real for my taste. pic.twitter.com/XOstjKKKy3
— sanjana (@riseuphes) November 12, 2017
if you pay close attention you can actually see Steve's hair growing in every episode pic.twitter.com/ThdSPj61ca
— Matias Hannecke (@MatiasHannecke) October 30, 2017
God:"That's your rib"
Adam:"Can I fuck it?"
— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) June 27, 2017
My teacher left the room during a test so we all started sharing answers. Then I look up and she was staring right at me 😳👩🏽🏫😩 pic.twitter.com/yPMpgazbMv
— Me (@josephxmorales) September 26, 2017
Top 32 answers on the board: Name a phrase your stepdad is going to shout at this year's Thanksgiving pic.twitter.com/IHvEk1japW
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) November 15, 2017
When you don’t “give” people the finger. They earn it. pic.twitter.com/o99uRunyIM
— Casual Falconry (@CasualFalconry) November 11, 2017
A good question to ask yourself before deciding on a sexiest man alive is, does he wear a cowboy hat for pretend
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) November 15, 2017
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) November 10, 2017
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) November 16, 2017
facebook ads r cool cuz im like oh look that was the thing I thought about yesterday but never typed or said aloud to another soul on earth
— Chelsea Frei (@chelseabfrei) November 7, 2017
I like the phrase "I wasn't born yesterday" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
— Gia Pennacchia (@GiaPennacchia) July 31, 2017
Is Christianity like Scientology where there's levels and you only find out about the really weird stuff once you're in it for a while? Like the introductory class is "helping the poor" but then after a number of years you get to "vote for pedophiles?"
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) November 19, 2017
It looks like someone on the toilet. pic.twitter.com/JuJDX41Yww
— You Had One Job (@CutPics) November 16, 2017
Dr: [looking over charts] seems like you gained a lot of weight.
Me: I'm preparing for a roll.
Dr: You're an actor?
Me: [buttering roll] huh?
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) November 15, 2017
Thank you for your service, Mr. President. pic.twitter.com/efutYZuFVN
— Sam Adler-Bell (@SamAdlerBell) November 17, 2017
BREAKING: Former co-star accuses Tom Hanks of unwanted touching; "his hand was all over me." pic.twitter.com/8tLvLFYMwq
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) November 18, 2017