I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
I'm like if the nervous "haha" at the end of a text message came to life
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 22, 2015
if you want to see the typing bubble in real life be the first person in the relationship to say i love you
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) July 9, 2015
The Punisher should use puns not guns.
— philippe iujvidin🥉 (@philyuck) November 18, 2017
You hear a demonic laugh coming from the basement steps. You know it can't be her, she died 15 years ago. But maybe…it's Maybelline.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) November 29, 2017
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 20, 2017
"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?"
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 22, 2017
I'm tired of people on social media ordering everyone to be grateful and present it is my right as a citizen of this earth to implode into the chasm of my own dark thoughts whenever I see fit
— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) November 25, 2017
Adolescence versus adulthood. pic.twitter.com/Is2WbCJdnw
— Prof. Bill Land, PhD.🤡🔫 (@text_quest) November 29, 2017
I think a good name for a beer would be Brew Swillis
— Shawn (@online_shawn) November 25, 2017
My favorite festive sex position is "the ornament"; its when someone barely touches me and I fall and emotionally shatter into 100 pieces
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) December 24, 2015
Even if you’re dyslexic and spell it grayv, you’re not wrong
— The Nutzacker (@Mr_Kapowski) November 23, 2017
If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.
— Lisa McLisaFace (@xLiserx) August 20, 2017
This is just a guess, but it could be because that's a rotary phone. pic.twitter.com/SgHgXASNW3
— liv. “happy” birthday liv. (@liv_thatsme) May 14, 2017
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 7, 2013
“Mark! My words!” I yell at Mark, my word butler, who finishes all my sentences bc i have, uhhh…
Mark: “Aphasia, ma’am. You have aphasia.”
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) November 1, 2017