I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) March 9, 2013
CASHIER: have a nice day
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) November 18, 2017
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 21, 2017
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
— Elle Noël (@ElleOhHell) January 19, 2014
Older people in my life have been telling me for years that I’d get more conservative when I got older. Four years ago I was a center-left Democrat and right now I’m googling “could Mao ollie”
— Paul Blest (@pblest) December 2, 2017
them: do you take constructive criticism
me, already crying: sure what’s up
— aA (@mrdaddymanphd) December 4, 2017
— byronhussie (@byrobot) December 3, 2017
kool-aid man sleeps standing-up like a horse
— huntigula (@huntigula) December 5, 2017
I still think this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/J7ckeGEQNV
— Ruthanne Reid (@RuthanneReid) December 4, 2017
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said "just kidding" in a very unconvincing tone.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) August 31, 2017
[I attempt to unzip my jeans but as the zipper reaches the end of its track it continues down, ripping the fabric of reality in twain and creating a vortex that rips my dong (penis, dick, or wang) wholly off my body and sends it whistling through the void]
me: ah dang.
— penjamin.nog (@upsidedowntrash) December 4, 2017
Moms are just cops who love you
— kid block (@senderblock23) October 23, 2014
when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
— jhonukkah (@dearjhonletter) March 6, 2016
girls don't like boys girls like googling bear facts and reading the third best one out loud but saving the best two for a special occasion
— wikipedia.org/en/Rain (@NINETIREDBUGS) May 11, 2017
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
— moody monday (@mdob11) August 21, 2015