I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
1.
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016
2.
I’m glad I already solved this hotel shower when it was a puzzle in “Myst.” pic.twitter.com/jkjphXyAje
— Bethany Nowviskie (@nowviskie) October 4, 2017
3.
do you want to have a few pancakes, you wuss, or do you want to get real pic.twitter.com/W4x1Gi23Xe
— SpicedGirl Eggnogito (@iamspacegirl) May 3, 2016
4.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying "I could care less"
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it's "I could care fewer"
— Terry F (@daemonic3) August 25, 2017
5.
The original 3 Men And A Baby is in the Bible when the 3 kings visit baby Jesus and have no idea what gifts would be good for a baby.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) November 19, 2017
6.
Hey Now
You're a Boxcar
Full of Children
Solve Crimes— Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) June 25, 2017
7.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
— detritus (@Flora__Flora) June 29, 2017
8.
Uh oh, just switched from a Windows phone to an iPhone… pic.twitter.com/nSBCNYTQNm
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) April 4, 2015
9.
Me: If someone sold you a fake grave plot, you'd never figure it out because you'd be dead
Therapist: I'm not sure-
Me:You'd be dead Debra
— Kadyn the Wingman (@kadyngriffiths) October 31, 2017
10.
catholic contestant: i'd like to buy 12 O's pic.twitter.com/M6tIcsPn7h
— pope phteven (@PhuckinCody) October 2, 2017
11.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) October 17, 2017
12.
when people ask where you're from 'originally' they're trying to paint exotic imagery in their heads
that's why it's best to say "my dad's ballsack"
— NO! TWEETS! TILL BROOKLYYYYYN (@ElSangito) December 19, 2017
13.
Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.
K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.
Me: Hold me, Kensington.
— Sean (@seandunn76) December 2, 2014
14.
BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 29, 2017
15.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 5, 2015