I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015
Beatles: Everything's fine
Stones: Everything's fine and we fuck a lot
Kinks: Everything used to be fine, now it's awful
Led Zeppelin: Orcs
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) February 17, 2016
Sitcom dad: What do you kids want for dinner?
Kids: Not YOUR cooking
Sitcom dad: what the fuck did you just say to me
— vineyille (@vineyille) November 28, 2015
If I accomplish nothing else this weekend, I know that at least I ruined a Papa John's employee's day pic.twitter.com/qqxH7vaSRm
— Abstinence Enthusiast (@SortaBad) February 25, 2017
If you get robot arms don't get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 20, 2015
"Let me know if you have any questions," is probably the biggest lie I include in almost all work e-mail. Well, that and "Thanks."
— Grego (@GrowlyGrego) December 19, 2017
Sorry I missed your call earlier today. I was sitting on the couch with the phone in my hand watching it ring
— dak (@daplusk) November 28, 2017
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 28, 2015
GOD: You have probably 70-80 years at most before you die, ideally.
MAN: oh. well, i'll make the most of-
GOD: You'll be unconscious for 1/3 of the time.
GOD: *leans in* That'll be your favorite part.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 19, 2017
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 5, 2017
him: i like a woman who knows when to break the rules
me: *breaks the second law of thermodynamics and decreases entropy until the universe is whole and right*
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) December 16, 2017
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) December 31, 2017
ME: mom we're out of eggs again!
MOM: it's ok, there's cereal
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor's house* this sucks
— The Holiday Hype (@TheHyyyype) December 28, 2017
Sagittarius: All the stars will eventually burn out, leaving the universe in complete darkness for the remainder of time. Sorry, I can’t remember where I was going with this.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) December 28, 2017
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she's about to give birth to humanity's savior
Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time
Joseph: around what time
— thom🏳️🌈 (@Barknado69) December 21, 2017