I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and hilarious tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
— Abstinence Enthusiast (@SortaBad) November 10, 2014
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i've seen that a million times
[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT'S JUST STARTING
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 11, 2017
Say what you will about 2017 but it is also the year Netflix gave us the “Skip Intro” button.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 28, 2017
On a midnight train, going anywhere. 🚂 pic.twitter.com/fnAtPlpvmU
— Cute Emergency (@CuteEmergency) December 27, 2017
I have resting 'I read the news' face.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 28, 2017
I would forfeit all knowledge about the mysteries of the universe in exchange for knowing which specific person gave me a cold.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 5, 2018
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) December 17, 2017
be ur own secret santa with ambien and amazon
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) December 16, 2017
If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 14, 2015
what if we pronounced "envelope" like "penelope"
— Sammy Nickalls 🧚♀️ (@sammynickalls) March 29, 2017
Imagine calling your friend and asking them if they want to go to the club and you go and get some drinks and dance and you’re having a great time and then John Wick comes in shooting the place up it would ruin your night
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 6, 2018
Titles I‘d fully believe were British TV shows:
Beamish and Quigley
The Quite Corking Quiz Show
Shan’t We Tell the Vicar?
A Bee’s As Good As A Bonnet
Up Your Arse, Alistair!
That Isn’t How We Do It in Lincolnshire, That Isn’t How We Do It At All
Just Joanna Lumley
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 9, 2018
Lana del Rey is a ghost and she wants us to solve the mystery of who killed her. The music is clues. I’ve been saying this for years and nobody takes me seriously
— , like, really (@morninggloria) January 8, 2018
if i could have dinner with anybody alive or dead it would have to be schrödinger's cat
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) January 6, 2018
“What if your grandma was buried in something HOT?” -the theme of every figure skating costume
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) January 6, 2018