Mike
I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and hilarious tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
1.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
— Abstinence Enthusiast (@SortaBad) November 10, 2014
2.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i've seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT'S JUST STARTING— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 11, 2017
3.
Say what you will about 2017 but it is also the year Netflix gave us the “Skip Intro” button.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 28, 2017
4.
https://twitter.com/CuteEmergency/status/945842931927314432
5.
I have resting 'I read the news' face.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 28, 2017
6.
I would forfeit all knowledge about the mysteries of the universe in exchange for knowing which specific person gave me a cold.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 5, 2018
7.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) December 17, 2017
8.
be ur own secret santa with ambien and amazon
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) December 16, 2017
9.
If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 14, 2015
10.
what if we pronounced "envelope" like "penelope"
— Sammy Nickalls (@sammynickalls) March 29, 2017
11.
Imagine calling your friend and asking them if they want to go to the club and you go and get some drinks and dance and you’re having a great time and then John Wick comes in shooting the place up it would ruin your night
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 6, 2018
12.
Titles I‘d fully believe were British TV shows:
Beamish and Quigley
The Quite Corking Quiz Show
Shan’t We Tell the Vicar?
A Bee’s As Good As A Bonnet
Up Your Arse, Alistair!
That Isn’t How We Do It in Lincolnshire, That Isn’t How We Do It At All
Just Joanna Lumley
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 9, 2018
13.
Lana del Rey is a ghost and she wants us to solve the mystery of who killed her. The music is clues. I’ve been saying this for years and nobody takes me seriously
— , like, really (@morninggloria) January 8, 2018
14.
if i could have dinner with anybody alive or dead it would have to be schrödinger's cat
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) January 6, 2018
15.
“What if your grandma was buried in something HOT?” -the theme of every figure skating costume
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) January 6, 2018