Jake
Enjoy some of the funniest Tweets of 2018!
51.
Sex Robot: "So what are we?"
Me: pic.twitter.com/3Ysa0HD8LR— Chidden Nuddet (@Maraculousness) January 15, 2018
50.
I love LA pic.twitter.com/VaBaZih5Oj
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) January 16, 2018
49.
Me getting my driver's license renewed at the DMV. pic.twitter.com/kk45IeLbeD
— Sam Kalidi (@samkalidi) January 17, 2018
48.
me walking: hit me bitch
me driving: ill hit u bitch— mikaela (@mikaelapeach) January 7, 2018
47.
fucking ambien pic.twitter.com/OCNTuqXNjp
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) January 3, 2018
46.
If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 12, 2018
45.
Skyrockets in flight/Borat voice 'My Wife'
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) January 7, 2018
44.
https://twitter.com/buduhh_/status/950614557453574144
43.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 3, 2018
42.
So they changed the law in Oregon to let people pump their own gas and the Facebook comments on the news story are amazing. pic.twitter.com/MZ7jcBQRUF
— Kristytipsen (@Kristytipsy) January 2, 2018
41.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers pic.twitter.com/b5uzQgqLA6
— Potoo Cloacole (@Bobby_Corwin) January 15, 2018
40.
ladies am i right pic.twitter.com/RLILSw04d5
— Daniyakuza Harrod (@danikaharrod) January 6, 2018
39.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet, here you are”
— Rebecca (@Rebecca_Siobhan) January 9, 2018
38.
hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials
— lil wayne lighter flick (@braag_) January 12, 2018
37.
when ur dog sees another dog walking by ur house pic.twitter.com/H0oYBkJwaF
— boo (@IDlOT_TEEN) January 10, 2018
36.
what religion is this pic.twitter.com/Ya7tAAWNQs
— Nick (@thcmoonman) January 11, 2018
35.
FINALLY a petition I can get behind. Give what you can pic.twitter.com/57qcUAnxUG
— Rachael Scarsbrook (@andthe_machine) January 3, 2018
34.
In my 6th grade science class a girl read "orgasm" instead of "organism" and the class laughed & she was embarrassed. To calm her down our teacher told her everyone would forget in two weeks. It's been 9 years & I still remember Danielle. I fucking remember. I hope you see this. pic.twitter.com/gCXcXbJX2i
— wes (@sewkx) January 6, 2018
33.
If your science folder wasn’t green when you were a kid you’re psychopath sorry boss I don’t make the rules
— Dominic (@_windowshopper) January 14, 2018
32.
I will. pic.twitter.com/hLaUQJOSl4
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) July 10, 2017
31.
My little sister has an obsession with cutting the faces off baby dolls/stuffed animals and putting them on other dolls. Help pic.twitter.com/Q6xzeg2fzw
— katelynn (@sassykattx) January 15, 2018
30.
When I was 8, I asked my dad why Charlie Brown was bald and he said “chemotherapy.” I looked at my mom and she said “Charlie Brown has cancer.” Then they both started laughing
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 13, 2018
29.
"Sir. SIR." pic.twitter.com/Dq51t7gvpa
— Andy Cole (@AndyCole84) January 5, 2018
28.
ME: I don’t want to
GWYNETH: Put this coffee up your bum
ME: But- *sobs*
GWYNETH: Do it
ME: The jade eggs are still in there— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) January 9, 2018
27.
Installed an anti-virus thing on my parents computer pic.twitter.com/3hda290Um6
— Andrrrrrrrew Ferrrrrrrguson (@Ferrrgle) January 7, 2018
26.
https://twitter.com/kibblesmith/status/952799675870076928
25.
when you google the lyrics of a song and realize you’ve been singing nonsense for 6 months pic.twitter.com/IMMUr9XanE
— zander (@finah) January 9, 2018
24.
just want to make sure everyone is aware that the guy Paris Hilton is engaged to is none other than hottie lamottie with the swimmers body from Hannah Montana pic.twitter.com/wLtAC1MC3S
— Sara Greenspan (@sara_greenspan) January 8, 2018
23.
Pausing my music on the train to listen to a fight pic.twitter.com/6qXiKLNzLV
— Austin. (@shookshack) January 6, 2018
22.
So that’s what PEMDAS means https://t.co/LOTygPjqO9
— luis (@luissdm_) January 8, 2018
21.
i met satan today pic.twitter.com/YmNvO53lFe
— connor (@connorfranta) January 13, 2018
20.
Working on my five year plan:
1. ?
2. ?
3. ?
4. ?
5. And then they'll all be sorry.
— Frankie Zelnick (@phranqueigh) January 5, 2018
19.
Top tip.
Don’t throw away your old Christmas cards.
They can be reused throughout the year. pic.twitter.com/9QvyrnXxEg— joe heenan (@joeheenan) January 2, 2018
18.
i may be messy but im ORGANISED messy. if i need eyelash glue i KNOW that theres a tube on the floor under the left side of my bed bc i saw it there when i was looking for other shit i needed and i memorised its specific and random location for future uses
— book fridge (@majaanushka) January 13, 2018
17.
Went and saw The Post tonight. I watched a film about newspapers inside a movie theater inside of a mall. It was a dying industry turducken.
— Tyler “Simpson” Pimpson (@tyler_is_comedy) January 9, 2018
16.
Titles I‘d fully believe were British TV shows:
Beamish and Quigley
The Quite Corking Quiz Show
Shan’t We Tell the Vicar?
A Bee’s As Good As A Bonnet
Up Your Arse, Alistair!
That Isn’t How We Do It in Lincolnshire, That Isn’t How We Do It At All
Just Joanna Lumley
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 9, 2018
15.
A guy came to the show tonight wearing this shirt and I am beyond shook pic.twitter.com/frecPxH6jV
— grato (@GratsComin) January 13, 2018
14.
This pic of Meghan Trainor and the kid from Spy Kids leaving a sex shop with a bag of dildos is truly haunting pic.twitter.com/aVAeosLqym
— Timothee Shallow gay (@Andrewisliv1d) January 4, 2018
13.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
— Protein Spike Expert (@a_lolbrarian) January 14, 2018
12.
Fuck this app pic.twitter.com/kJJWaf8oV0
— Biniam Bizuneh (@biniambiz) January 13, 2018
11.
Just got Ed Sheeran’s new album pic.twitter.com/zeNClYMy8h
— Harvey Lindsay (@HarveyLindsay) January 2, 2018
10.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel… pic.twitter.com/6JXecxuIBt
— Anderson (@JasonMan811) January 13, 2018
9.
I just learned today that Cardi B's real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
— beef patty stan account (@its_keamon) January 10, 2018
8.
Black Mirror (2017) pic.twitter.com/F46aFjuN7j
— bee meat (@s1mxne) January 2, 2018
7.
How to lose a guy in 10 seconds pic.twitter.com/T14tXI0hy2
— Lolita (@lolamaeriley) January 8, 2018
6.
Now that it's big I can tell it tastes brown and lumpy pic.twitter.com/jDS2A6CmYL
— Mike F (@mikefossey) January 14, 2018
5.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) January 1, 2013
4.
ants when i drop a hot cheeto on the ground pic.twitter.com/yVQ8kL5XFB
— a (@brokeangeI) January 11, 2018
3.
La Croix taste like if you were drinking carbonated water and someone screamed out loud the name of a specific fruit in the other room
— Daniel Tran (@Daanieltran) January 7, 2018
2.
so my sister in law sends me these pictures of my brother giving their fish a full funeral…i’m in real tears rn😂💀 pic.twitter.com/pROJcBJzIZ
— Jaime Milbern (@jaimesuemil) January 10, 2018
1.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 15, 2018