Jake
Dating is one of those things you’ll probably look back on and laugh. It might be nervous laughter, it might be maniacally unhinged laughter, it might be laughter that just keeps you from bawling because you’re still single, but hey, at least you’re laughing. If sense of humor is truly the number one thing people look for in their partners then the authors of these 42 tweets are probably already taken (despite their comically awful and imaginary dates).
1.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though— runt (@rancheroni) January 16, 2018
2.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) December 30, 2016
3.
https://twitter.com/NOTVIKING/status/950580217583624192
4.
[restaurant]
date: what the fuck dude
me: you said you liked horses
horse: you did say that— andrew (@AndrewChamings) January 9, 2018
5.
https://twitter.com/captainkalvis/status/949033989704007680
6.
https://twitter.com/whoismaryboo/status/910186576747143168
7.
https://twitter.com/gogglepossum/status/844545341844262913
8.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) January 9, 2016
9.
date: is this because i called Leonardo the red one
me: [driving her home early] I'm just tired— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 21, 2017
10.
[first date]
she: i'm a cat person
me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*— lisan al gareeb (@amrtsh) July 22, 2017
11.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you're doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) April 16, 2015
12.
Me: i make 6 figures per year
My date: wow that's pretty good
Me: yea. although most people call them "figurines"
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 20, 2017
13.
*on a hot date*
ME (wisely): you know you can't call it "French Onion Dip" unless it's from Onion Dip, France
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) June 28, 2017
14.
https://twitter.com/carinahsieh/status/853360940171087877
15.
[blind date]
HER: I'm a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) October 19, 2017
16.
https://twitter.com/ohen39/status/927552839555063808
17.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 23, 2016
18.
https://twitter.com/yayraptor/status/715241889490796544
19.
https://twitter.com/Manglewood/status/770801091759992832
20.
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/686506598584418304
21.
*I notice you pulling up across the street for our first date and skip over to you, the change in my cargo pockets signaling my wealth*
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) May 25, 2016
22.
https://twitter.com/LaziestCanine/status/656991570676330496
23.
(on a first date)
you know if you shave a Guinea pig they look like tiny hippos
*with way too much food in my mouth*
they hate it though
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) August 9, 2016
24.
https://twitter.com/thatdutchperson/status/713085791073935362
25.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/666751750783819776
26.
https://twitter.com/Spaziotwat/status/734279353241063424
27.
me: [shows up to first date wearing stilts]
date: umm…hi
me: [shouts] HOPE YOU LIKE TEXMEX
[crashes into a buffet table]— paperwash© (@PaperWash) August 31, 2016
28.
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/770504726043586560
29.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into]
"I'm a model."
— elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) October 28, 2015
30.
[first date]
So tell me about you
"I hate when my foods touch"
Um, ok, what else?
*I am already at a different table eating a plate of corn*— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 23, 2015
31.
https://twitter.com/MelKassel/status/724087434095538176
32.
https://twitter.com/evepeyser/status/701150511395897344
33.
https://twitter.com/pinupteacher/status/662394940484427776
34.
[getting ready for a date]
ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate
ME: ok
[later]
DATE: i love this restaurant
ME: haha i love u too— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 30, 2015
35.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) September 13, 2015
36.
me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable.
him: Uncomfortable?
me (getting naked): Yes.— Concrete Blond (@Super_Cynthia) May 29, 2015
37.
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/613481407260667904
38.
https://twitter.com/msdanifernandez/status/339505577426317312
39.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won't be laughing when it's time to pick it all up
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 25, 2016
40.
[first date]
me: So, do you like street magic?
her: Not really
me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 2, 2015
41.
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/686245646949416960
42.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don't think the moon is real
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 30, 2016