Jake
Dating is one of those things you’ll probably look back on and laugh. It might be nervous laughter, it might be maniacally unhinged laughter, it might be laughter that just keeps you from bawling because you’re still single, but hey, at least you’re laughing. If sense of humor is truly the number one thing people look for in their partners then the authors of these 42 tweets are probably already taken (despite their comically awful and imaginary dates).
1.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though— runt (@rancheroni) January 16, 2018
2.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) December 30, 2016
3.
her: i like it when guys roll up their sleeves so you can see their forearms
me: [looking down and realizing i only have two arms] fuck
— viking (@NOTVIKING) January 9, 2018
4.
[restaurant]
date: what the fuck dude
me: you said you liked horses
horse: you did say that— andrew (@AndrewChamings) January 9, 2018
5.
Date: maybe go easy on the salt
*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*
Me: but what if there's a slug in my stomach
Date: *trying* then you'd only need a little
Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs
— Kal (@captainkalvis) January 4, 2018
6.
All apps are dating apps if you're online enough
— mary boo anderson (@whoismaryboo) September 19, 2017
7.
[First date]
Her: so what do you do?
Sauron: 🔥👁🔥
Her: ok…fancy some wine?
S: 🔥👁🔥
Her: look this isn't working
S: 🔥👁💧🔥
— Lil G-Pug (@gogglepossum) March 22, 2017
8.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) January 9, 2016
9.
date: is this because i called Leonardo the red one
me: [driving her home early] I'm just tired— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 21, 2017
10.
[first date]
she: i'm a cat person
me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*— amrtsh (@floydimus) July 22, 2017
11.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you're doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 16, 2015
12.
Me: i make 6 figures per year
My date: wow that's pretty good
Me: yea. although most people call them "figurines"
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 20, 2017
13.
*on a hot date*
ME (wisely): you know you can't call it "French Onion Dip" unless it's from Onion Dip, France
— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) June 28, 2017
14.
on a date:
ME: lemme show u this meme i saw
[the zillow page of his childhood home is the last open tab]
ME: actually this isn't my phone
— Carina Hsieh (@carinahsieh) April 15, 2017
15.
[blind date]
HER: I'm a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) October 19, 2017
16.
[meeting girlfriend's parents]
her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend— yabkat (@ohen39) November 6, 2017
17.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 23, 2016
18.
date: so whats ur zodiac sign
ted cruz: [sweating] my what
— the happy raptor (@yayraptor) March 30, 2016
19.
At What Point During A First Date Should You Disclose That You Died In A Train Wreck Thirty Years Ago This Very Night?
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) August 31, 2016
20.
[walking in park]
date: "impress me"
me: "i can talk to animals"
date: "prove it"
me: [to duck] "hello you fucking duck"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) January 11, 2016
21.
*I notice you pulling up across the street for our first date and skip over to you, the change in my cargo pockets signaling my wealth*
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) May 25, 2016
22.
[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you— Lazy dog (@LaziestCanine) October 22, 2015
23.
(on a first date)
you know if you shave a Guinea pig they look like tiny hippos
*with way too much food in my mouth*
they hate it though
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) August 9, 2016
24.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) March 24, 2016
25.
[first date]
"Tell me two interesting things about yourself"
well I lie when I'm nervous…
"ok…"
and I invented oatmeal— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 17, 2015
26.
[First date]
Him:"Waiter!"
Waiter:"Sir?"
Him:"Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen"— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) May 22, 2016
27.
me: [shows up to first date wearing stilts]
date: umm…hi
me: [shouts] HOPE YOU LIKE TEXMEX
[crashes into a buffet table]— paperwash© (@PaperWash) August 31, 2016
28.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part's ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
— Terry F (@daemonic3) August 30, 2016
29.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into]
"I'm a model."
— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) October 28, 2015
30.
[first date]
So tell me about you
"I hate when my foods touch"
Um, ok, what else?
*I am already at a different table eating a plate of corn*— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 23, 2015
31.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps— Mel (@MelKassel) April 24, 2016
32.
An extremely accurate description of what it's like to hook up with me pic.twitter.com/z1UTr7FjBI
— eve peyser (@evepeyser) February 20, 2016
33.
*date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) November 5, 2015
34.
[getting ready for a date]
ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate
ME: ok
[later]
DATE: i love this restaurant
ME: haha i love u too— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 30, 2015
35.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) September 13, 2015
36.
me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable.
him: Uncomfortable?
me (getting naked): Yes.— Concrete blond (@Super_Cynthia) May 29, 2015
37.
*a man runs into the bar*
"HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?"
*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) June 23, 2015
38.
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013
39.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won't be laughing when it's time to pick it all up
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 25, 2016
40.
[first date]
me: So, do you like street magic?
her: Not really
me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 2, 2015
41.
*I hold my date's hand for the first time*
Date: I've got butterflies in my stomach
Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 10, 2016
42.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don't think the moon is real
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 30, 2016