For some people, the prospect of placing a raw protein or vegetable in a pan over an open flame for an extended period of time is so daunting that it literally makes them flop sweat. These people subsist on cereal and frozen dinners, they know their local food delivery workers by name, and they may or may not use their stove for shoe storage.
If you, too, identify as a “bad cook,” then this may sound rather familiar.
Here are some jokes for all the folks out there who would rather eat sandwiches into infinity than attempt to boil, bake, roast or braise a single food item. Because, in the paraphrased words of Maria Bamford, “People always talk about how easy cooking is … but it is not as easy as not cooking.”
[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn't cooke-
ME: it's sushi, susan
— mojo troso (@trojansauce) April 23, 2016
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
'Oh yeah, I love to cook!'
*removes salad from the microwave
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) January 7, 2016
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
— Lemerica (@lemmywinkler) May 5, 2015
when your mom leaves you home alone and tells you to feed yourself pic.twitter.com/XcimhKuuyw
— SpeakComedy (@SpeakComedy) November 16, 2015
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) May 23, 2013
when I try to cook something pic.twitter.com/kfDu1PKs2f
— Student Problems (@FactsOfSchool) March 28, 2016
Sure, I'll cook dinner.
How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
— Jerynn (@JerynnNicole) January 6, 2014
When you try to make something you saw on Pinterest. pic.twitter.com/Tc5MmC8fEq
— Sam Kalidi (@samkalidi) December 9, 2015
Tired of recipes assuming I have a stove
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 6, 2016
Smoke detectors are basically just you-suck-at-cooking detectors.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 29, 2014
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he'll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
— DeeDastardly (@mydmac) May 15, 2016
Wife: How was your day, honey?
Me: Definitely didnt use your hair straightener to try & cook a grilled cheese
Me: I mean good
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) October 8, 2014
why does cooking takes like six hours and eating take like three seconds and washing dishes take like seven days and seven nights
— Hasnaat (@HasnaatMahmood) January 24, 2016
Cooking spinach pic.twitter.com/FqLdJrXQFM
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) March 31, 2016
Ya cooking is healthy & cheap. But u have to go to the "store" to get "ingredients" to make at ur "apartment" w/ a "stove" Where does it end
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) May 27, 2015
realtor: so what are u looking for in an apartment
me (googled how to cook eggs last week): a large kitchen with updated appliances is a huge priority for me
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 13, 2017