Mike
I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and hilarious tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
1.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 19, 2017
2.
A top seduction technique in the Old West was letting the handsome stranger on the run from the law wear your dead husband’s clothes
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) November 29, 2017
3.
"Sure, I'll be there," I politely decline
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 8, 2014
4.
Me (podcast host): You’re listening to StabTown, a podcast about stabbings. You know what’s better than being stabbed? Buying a mattress from the internet
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) January 21, 2018
5.
Every warning label has an awesome backstory.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 20, 2013
6.
I wish I could be more like my washing machine. pic.twitter.com/gBfKOgg3Ql
— Mustard baby (@HRTSMRT) April 10, 2016
7.
I will pay for the dance floor I destroyed last night but I will not apologize for it
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 5, 2014
8.
I notice things. I'm a noticer. I may not connect the dots, BUT BY GOD I SEE THEM.
— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) January 8, 2018
9.
If it is twenty degrees out but feels like eleven degrees then it is eleven degrees out.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 14, 2018
10.
Jesus looks like he is calling for the ball in the post so he can dunk away your sins pic.twitter.com/spAcx4qZOs
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 11, 2017
11.
https://twitter.com/markhoppus/status/954572903680425986
12.
https://twitter.com/bourgeoisalien/status/951271487012573184
13.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) July 12, 2015
14.
Seems like no one entertains a group of strangers at a remote mansion and has them solve a series of intricate clues anymore
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) July 13, 2017
15.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. But when a powerful street gang pushes Love too far, a bloodthirsty rampage ensues.
Eat Prey, Love (2017) Rated R— Steve vs. Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) December 9, 2017