Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
I did my own taxes this year so I'm either getting 206 dollars back or I'm going to prison
— Political Science PhD (@InternetHippo) February 13, 2018
2.
lacroix is like drinking sprite with a condom
— . (@jaboukie) February 13, 2018
3.
This sentence sounds like it’s from a book report by a 4th grader pic.twitter.com/fptHqlVwYW
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 13, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/Gooooats/status/963060472432898048
5.
Oh dear. pic.twitter.com/PAb2R96UJG
— Medieval Rats (@archaeoRattus) February 12, 2018
6.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) February 12, 2018
7.
https://twitter.com/chaeronaea/status/962563533073416192
8.
Alexa, update my enemies list
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) February 13, 2018
9.
https://twitter.com/BoringEnormous/status/963341381430333440
10.
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/960549011617996800
11.
Me at my desk: *falling asleep*
Me watching TV: *falling asleep*
Me hanging out with friends: *falling asleep*
Me in bed: H E L L O E V E R Y T H I N G E V E R Y W H E R E— maura quint (@behindyourback) February 4, 2018
12.
https://twitter.com/briangaar/status/362367268233019392
13.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: pic.twitter.com/1GZN0ieahU— bornmiserable.bsky.social (@bornmiserable) January 28, 2018
14.
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
— Dan Ewen Ⓥ (@VaguelyFunnyDan) June 20, 2012
15.
https://twitter.com/benicus_rex/status/955284835915874305