I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
I did my own taxes this year so I'm either getting 206 dollars back or I'm going to prison
— the hippo account (@InternetHippo) February 13, 2018
lacroix is like drinking sprite with a condom
— jaboukie young-black (@jaboukie) February 13, 2018
This sentence sounds like it’s from a book report by a 4th grader pic.twitter.com/fptHqlVwYW
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 13, 2018
I slipped and fell on the ice and instead of laughing everyone gasped and seemed very concerned for me so I guess I’m old now.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) February 12, 2018
Oh dear. pic.twitter.com/PAb2R96UJG
— Medieval Rats (@archaeoRattus) February 12, 2018
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) February 12, 2018
ME, watching the olympic ice dancing: this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. this is the pinnacle of human achievement. i am weeping
ANNOUNCER: this pathetic worm held her arm kind of weird on the landing. she has shamed her country and family
ME: oh. okay
— lust-cait of the gutters (@chaeronaea) February 11, 2018
Alexa, update my enemies list
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 13, 2018
And I looked, and behold, a pale horse. And its rider’s name was Death. pic.twitter.com/wlFYyoF4fT
— Paul Bronks (@BoringEnormous) February 13, 2018
okay I was INCREDIBLY disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs pic.twitter.com/8bfIOfmhPC
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) February 5, 2018
Me at my desk: *falling asleep*
Me watching TV: *falling asleep*
Me hanging out with friends: *falling asleep*
Me in bed: H E L L O E V E R Y T H I N G E V E R Y W H E R E
— maura "jack and biz must be nazis" quint (@behindyourback) February 4, 2018
If you pull a lizard's tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like "dude."
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 31, 2013
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: pic.twitter.com/1GZN0ieahU
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) January 28, 2018
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) June 20, 2012
When you miss the person you used to be pic.twitter.com/qrRhItE43N
— ben™ (@benicus_rex) January 22, 2018