Edward
Forget Fahrenheit 451. Forget Romeo and Juliet. Every child in every school should read these insane Twitter stories instead. Just imagine the book reports, the 500-word essays, and journal entries. If you haven’t caught up with this canon list, drop everything and rectify that now.
1.
One time my friend Brandon’s Dad and his mom were in a heated argument in the car and she took his kid rock cd out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and he looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same cd and put it back in the player
— johnny utah (@clowndaddie) February 7, 2018
3.
Yesterday I stopped to pet a dog, and as the owner walked away I heard him say to her, “You see? Everybody loves you! And you don’t even love yourself!!!” and I’m going to be thinking about it for the next five years
— Liz Watson (@watsontots) March 5, 2018
4.
The mom I babysat for on NYE came home hammered as her husband did everything in his power to hold her up. She then proceeded to grab me, look deep into my eyes, and say “choose the nice guy. always choose the nice guy.” And that was the first thing I heard in 2018.
— abby walkush (@abbywalkush) January 1, 2018
5.
this guy was just sitting on the floor of the gym on his phone and he looks up at me and goes “my girl has my location shared and i promised her i was gonna go to the gym more so now i just sit here and watch netflix” LMAOOOOO
— kom🌙 (@komalammm) January 22, 2018
6.
Just spotted a cat on someone’s porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I’d done as I heard the owner shouting FUCK ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL
— Philip Larkin (@philiplarkin) February 24, 2018
8.
a baby was staring at me in target so i started waving to her & she waved back & the mom whipped around & was like OMG & i was like oh sorry i was just waving to your baby & she was like THAT WAS THE 1ST TIME SHES WAVED & me & this mom SCREAMED in the store bc we were so excited
— taryn land (@tarynland) November 25, 2017
9.
So my brother texts me and says “guess what I done today” and proceeds to tell me he surprised his wife with 2 alpacas… and yes they’re riding in his minivan. Meet Rebel and Shenanigan. I can’t make this stuff up y’all. pic.twitter.com/vu2vlb6vyC
— Kacie (@KacieMalyn) January 3, 2018
10.
In 6th grade I had a really big crush on this boy who had a girlfriend, so one day on aim I messaged him a link to the music video for “you belong with me” by Taylor Swift. Joe if you’re reading this that was weird, my bad
— Katie Sutherland (@ksuth96) January 9, 2018
11.
This lady at my work today told me her ex husband cheated on her so she made him a “beef and rice” dinner with alpo dog food mixed in and didn’t tell him till after he ate the whole thing that if he wanted to act like a dog she would feed him like one & I’m still laughing
— •emma• (@emma_s_cole) March 23, 2018
12.
today in class this guy I was sitting next to had a bag of carrots & the entire class he kept throwing them into his backpack. I asked him what he was doing & he was like “oh sorry do u want one? they’re for Kent” and then just whips open his backpack to show his chinchilla Kent
— char (@charlottejorrey) December 4, 2017
13.
Please enjoy this fantastic video of my friend Stevie. It’s one of my favorite things ever pic.twitter.com/gTDaioUtOR
— Abam (@AdamBroud) March 12, 2018
14.
Earlier today I went to a girl’s highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other’s hair so she gets up and says “I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair” not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted
— Ricky Corona (@RickyCoronaa) December 30, 2017
15.
Today the drug dog came to our school and he stopped by my car and wouldn’t move so I had to go out there and unlock it so he could search my car and it was because of the dog treats I keep in there
— shammy (@sammy_gwin) March 22, 2018
16.
Before my mum passed away, she gave my dad strict instructions to water the plants in the bathroom. He’s been religiously watering them & keeping them alive. They look so amazing he decided to take them to his new home, only to discover they are plastic! Can hear my mum chuckling pic.twitter.com/N87giD5zKT
— Antonia (@Flaminhaystack) January 16, 2018
18.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
— Brennan (@Bmangall20) December 13, 2017