Mike
Each week I put my potential drinking problem to work for the fine people of the Internet, polishing off an entire bottle of wine while scouring Twitter for some dank Tweets. Here is what was funny, at least at the time.
23.
I have yet to meet a little kid wearing sunglasses who is actually cool.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) June 30, 2011
22.
When you shave for the first time in months. pic.twitter.com/FkhhFrqHw3
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 8, 2016
21.
By now everyone should have picked a spring look. If you haven’t chosen a spring look, one will be assigned to you.
— (@NicCageMatch) March 18, 2016
20.
No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) August 18, 2014
19.
My favorite human trait is mistaking subjective experience for absolute truth, & holding other people accountable to that illusion.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) July 18, 2016
18.
I want a gym where they let you push big appliances off a cliff
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) July 6, 2012
17.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) January 8, 2018
16.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 21, 2015
15.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent— Ally Gator (@notacroc) November 3, 2017
14.
Son: you think you could make it out of Jurassic Park alive?
Me: *struggling just to make it through day to day life* without a doubt
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 16, 2018
13.
I hit a guy while riding my bike and now we have a date. It’s a court date, but I’m still counting it.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) April 11, 2018
12.
If you mean, ‘have I ever passed out drunk on the coin operated horse outside of the grocery store”, then yes, I’ve been to the rodeo several times.
— Wine Honey™ (@Wine_Honey1) April 8, 2018
11.
I just want to be as tired at bedtime as I am all day at work
— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) April 6, 2018
10.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) May 28, 2013
9.
Life is like a surprise party: nobody cleared this with me first but now I guess I gotta stay, hang out, and be grateful.
— Chelsea Frank (@ChelseaSFrank) June 16, 2016
8.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) November 13, 2017
7.
imagine trying to tactfully break up with someone named Felicia
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 18, 2018
6.
Nothing you do matters. Duck Hunt was prerecorded. Your zapper gun did nothing. The birds died of natural causes. This is why the dog would laugh at you.
— Mr. Real Visions (@PajamaStew) March 21, 2018
5.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 31, 2015
4.
I can’t stop laughing at this pic.twitter.com/x2x8QnI49E
— kells (@kschaef95) April 13, 2018
3.
who called them labor contractions and not birthquakes?!
— snddoɥ ʞɹɐɯ (@markhoppus) April 5, 2018
2.
Angel: This one is broken. She only wants things she can’t have.
God: Lol no i made them all that way
— sg incognito (@iamspacegirl) January 7, 2016
1.
Me: time to watch a fun animated movie
Pixar: cry, bitch
Me: ok
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) April 7, 2018