Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
— Cheish (@TheCheish) June 13, 2018
2.
Therapist: What's wrong?
Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce
Therapist: And who told you that?
Me: *tearfully clears throat*
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 30, 2018
3.
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/984184320704172032
4.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what's that
Son: it's our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 31, 2017
5.
A guy just tried to MANSPLAIN to me what a sawhorse is but I SHUT HIM DOWN bc I am WELL AWARE that it’s the past tense of seahorse, THANKS
— Jamie (@spacej_me) March 17, 2018
6.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one's for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men— Jenn (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
7.
cop: have you been drinking
me: no
cop: can you blow into this
me: is… that soup?
cop: it's too hot— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 17, 2018
8.
https://twitter.com/fro_vo/status/949687814781882368
9.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 17, 2017
10.
https://twitter.com/seandunn76/status/539686742732075008
11.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/913641882164412417
12.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says "prom?" was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 4, 2015
13.
If you see a tweet you don't like, be sure to tell that person. They're here to please you, the most intelligent person on the internet.
— elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) July 7, 2017
14.
[Jeopardy]
Host: "So tell us a little more about yourself!"
Me: *Leans into microphone* "No thanks Alex."— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 17, 2014
