Mike
One of my favorite things to doat the end of a long day is going to my local bar, sipping a whiskey on the patio under the setting Los Angeles sun, surrounded by beautiful actors and modelshappily chatting away, but also never really seeing any of that because I’m looking at tweets on my phone. Like, the whole time. It’s great. The tweets are never ending. That Los Angeles sun will set. The bar will close. Most of these actors and models will give up, move home, and start a family they’ll grow to resent. But the tweets? Ah, the tweets. The tweets are forever.
1.
I'm so glad Jurassic Park isn't real because this would be every man's Tinder pic pic.twitter.com/e00y3xbXPz
— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) June 12, 2018
2.
https://twitter.com/timmcelroy6/status/1006324420238086145
3.
Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I’ve came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend.
— Flanny. (@FlannyTweets) June 20, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/Noah_DavidB/status/995424636518182917
5.
Is maroon just navy red pic.twitter.com/DlCWvBAwrb
— maze (@Mezaphy) June 19, 2018
6.
https://twitter.com/Ihab8knicks/status/1009211560126963713
7.
You know how when you're a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you'll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That's annoying.
— Gabe Rivera (@gaberivera) January 17, 2018
8.
she escaped the museum and ride the train, omyghaad. pic.twitter.com/rGyFFE1Tzk
— Zeke ☾☼ (@zekemartinx) June 13, 2018
9.
me getting ready for work pic.twitter.com/rH5QpvBNP9
— kirs ◡̈ (@kirsmu) June 14, 2018
10.
https://twitter.com/StephKinmon/status/1008180484285894657
11.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
— xannenberg (@SarahKannenberg) June 15, 2018
12.
https://twitter.com/boynamedshark/status/1008514558242287619
13.
https://twitter.com/BlairAlzuro/status/1006922912262230016
14.
https://twitter.com/AmbitiousAmaris/status/1007636463381512192
15.
I took an uber alone at 2am and when I got out my uber driver was like “have fun, get that dick!” and I said “hell yes thank you!!” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was being dropped at my moms house cause we have to wake up early to celebrate my dogs birthday
— the wicked witch of the east bro (@kpfeffss) June 22, 2018
16.
https://twitter.com/lexialvrz/status/1008549825623699457
17.
https://twitter.com/conorsmith/status/1010149231930339328
18.
JURASSIC PARK SEQUEL IDEA:
3 Million AD.
The humans are extinct.
The dino-scientists find mosquitoes with human blood.
Guess who they clone…
Jeff. Fucking. Goldblum.
They mix up the mosquito DNA with Goldblum's.
Surprise assholes.
This is now a sequel to The Fly.
— JR | Find me on Mastodon: @[email protected] (@JRDRD) June 21, 2018
19.
https://twitter.com/1Rohde/status/1008359862898692099
20.
When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed
When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved
— Katie Bergey (@katiebergey) November 2, 2017
21.
In Shrek, Shrek grabs a frog, blows it up like a balloon and IT FLOATS.
Does this mean Shrek has the ability to exhale pure helium? What other secrets lie within his fascinating anatomy?
Hi, I'm Neil DeGrasse Tyson and I am fucking baaaaaked.
— Skoog (@Skoog) May 17, 2018
22.
when i’ve got a funny story but i have to wait until my friend finishes talking pic.twitter.com/gkXmtoGAtC
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 14, 2018
23.
https://twitter.com/WiredHoney/status/995835794651844608
24.
https://twitter.com/jrodriguez713/status/997270522982486016
25.
https://twitter.com/roberto_3ames/status/996238975802232832
26.
https://twitter.com/BemaAsare_/status/997798704068349952?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
27.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I'm begGing you….
me: *hits download* pic.twitter.com/Y5xYpfOjef
— skitty (@starrysappho) May 16, 2018
28.
Play it cool Rodney…….play it cool…… pic.twitter.com/xfwQBtDVzJ
— Ben Ryan (@benjaminryan) May 14, 2018