One of my favorite things to doat the end of a long day is going to my local bar, sipping a whiskey on the patio under the setting Los Angeles sun, surrounded by beautiful actors and modelshappily chatting away, but also never really seeing any of that because I’m looking at tweets on my phone. Like, the whole time. It’s great. The tweets are never ending. That Los Angeles sun will set. The bar will close. Most of these actors and models will give up, move home, and start a family they’ll grow to resent. But the tweets? Ah, the tweets. The tweets are forever.
1.
I'm so glad Jurassic Park isn't real because this would be every man's Tinder pic pic.twitter.com/e00y3xbXPz
— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) June 12, 2018
2.
TAKING A BIG DUMP pic.twitter.com/fYzl3eygGm
— timbo (@timmcelroy6) June 11, 2018
3.
Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I’ve came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend.
— Flanny. (@FlannyTweets) June 20, 2018
4.
When you have a bunch of great ideas and no actual skill to realize them pic.twitter.com/Z4I38HpsCQ
— Noah Spongy (@noahspongy) May 12, 2018
5.
Is maroon just navy red pic.twitter.com/DlCWvBAwrb
— buttermilk jesus (@Mezaphy) June 19, 2018
6.
https://twitter.com/Ihab8knicks/status/1009211560126963713
7.
You know how when you're a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you'll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That's annoying.
— Gabe Rivera (@gaberivera) January 17, 2018
8.
she escaped the museum and ride the train, omyghaad. pic.twitter.com/rGyFFE1Tzk
— Zee (@zekemartinx) June 13, 2018
9.
me getting ready for work pic.twitter.com/rH5QpvBNP9
— KIRSMU (@kirsmu) June 14, 2018
10.
yeah mickey mouse is cool and all, but can we talk about goofy for a sec?? he was a SINGLE DAD who raised his son, and when he lost his job he went back to college so he could get a job to support his son. that mouse has nothing on this dog. pic.twitter.com/LGt1RDA7fy
— steph (@StephKinmon) June 17, 2018
11.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
— xannenberg (@SarahKannenberg) June 15, 2018
12.
it’s 90 degrees out. this is your moment, my guy. if not now, when ? pic.twitter.com/4jZ0ndrxov
— kevin shark (@boynamedshark) June 18, 2018
13.
Why do airplane tickets have to be so expensive!! Having separate continents is so stupid retweet if you miss pangaea
— blizzy (@BlairAlzuro) June 13, 2018
14.
I felt this shit on a personal level pic.twitter.com/z6ekph2cln
— amaris. (@AmbitiousAmaris) June 15, 2018
15.
I took an uber alone at 2am and when I got out my uber driver was like “have fun, get that dick!” and I said “hell yes thank you!!” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was being dropped at my moms house cause we have to wake up early to celebrate my dogs birthday
— the wicked witch of the east bro (@kpfeffss) June 22, 2018
16.
This guy cut me off on the freeway today. I’m not even mad. pic.twitter.com/2z6m88RtzR
— alexis❣️ (@lexialvrz) June 18, 2018
17.
M.I.A. – Paper Planes
▶ 🔘──────── 3:25
M.I.A. – Paper Planes (feat. a 17th century musket)
▶ 🔘──────── 27:18
— Conor Smith (@conorsmith) June 22, 2018
18.
JURASSIC PARK SEQUEL IDEA:
3 Million AD.
The humans are extinct.
The dino-scientists find mosquitoes with human blood.
Guess who they clone…
Jeff. Fucking. Goldblum.
They mix up the mosquito DNA with Goldblum's.
Surprise assholes.
This is now a sequel to The Fly.
— JR @ haunted cabin for weekend (@JRDRD) June 21, 2018
19.
My debit card feels more like a gift card…not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try
— LoRo (@1Rohde) June 17, 2018
20.
When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed
When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved
— Katie Bergey (@katiebergey) November 2, 2017
21.
In Shrek, Shrek grabs a frog, blows it up like a balloon and IT FLOATS.
Does this mean Shrek has the ability to exhale pure helium? What other secrets lie within his fascinating anatomy?
Hi, I'm Neil DeGrasse Tyson and I am fucking baaaaaked.
— skoog (@Skoog) May 17, 2018
22.
when i’ve got a funny story but i have to wait until my friend finishes talking pic.twitter.com/gkXmtoGAtC
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 14, 2018
23.
is
is he one of us pic.twitter.com/9lkRJu5BUt— weird honey (@WiredHoney) May 14, 2018
24.
me at 11 years old listening to breakup songs while never having been in a relationship pic.twitter.com/r5hojMUVTE
— Joe Rodriguez (@jrodriguez713) May 18, 2018
25.
Lol if i can’t be the first 3 Ima definitely be the last one https://t.co/KrSl1Q3OZX
— ロベルト (@roberto_3ames) May 15, 2018
26.
Me googling royal families with single Princes in their 20s. pic.twitter.com/01Vvd3JQeQ
— JB (@BemaAsare_) May 19, 2018
27.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I'm begGing you….
me: *hits download* pic.twitter.com/Y5xYpfOjef
— huzeravaza (@starrysappho) May 16, 2018
28.
Play it cool Rodney…….play it cool…… pic.twitter.com/xfwQBtDVzJ
— Ben Ryan (@benjaminryan) May 14, 2018