Mike
You’ve done a great job today, so you deserve a reward. Take a quick little break and enjoy some top-notch humor from twitter. Your boss isn’t looking. Your nosey coworker won’t notice. Even if they did find out, you earned these. F*ck the fun police. Why are you even still reading this? Get to the tweets. THE TWEETS.
1.
"What should I write on this sign for avocados?"
"Just make something up." pic.twitter.com/R28fbR4VwB
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) July 20, 2015
2.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— summer goth 🦇 (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
3.
The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.
— Adam Goodell (@adamgoodell) October 21, 2017
4.
Trying to spell hors d’oeuvres makes me n’oeuvre-ous.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 1, 2018
5.
[in court]
Judge: You're the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I'm the prosecutest.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 23, 2017
6.
My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015
7.
I always have my kids say “thank you” to Alexa so that hopefully in the future our robot overlords will remember their civility
— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) March 14, 2018
8.
*on a first date*
Her: so what do you do?
Me: I create fake problems for myself by overthinking every aspect of my life and then the stress from those fake problems creates real ones and everything becomes unmanageable
*casually takes a sip of wine*
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) June 4, 2018
9.
I loved R2-D2 as a kid because I was also short and pissed off
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) June 1, 2018
10.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I'd know how the outfit would look on me
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) September 22, 2017
11.
As a woman, I just want the same rights as a rattlesnake. pic.twitter.com/JQIFDoDTUL
— jacqueline (@jackiecarbajal) February 22, 2018
12.
all the
small bees
that just
stung me
i shook
their hive
w/ them
inside
say it aint so / bees n my clothes
rip my pants off / now im so cold— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 30, 2017
13.
ME: I hope there are better categories in the second round
JEOPARDY: pic.twitter.com/EiYiecRE0b
— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) November 3, 2017
14.
doctor: you have a calcaneonavicular fracture in your foot
me: what's that?
doctor: it's like a hand that you walk on
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) June 1, 2018
15.
*does entire Indianapolis 500 with right blinker on*
— Dr. Bucky Isotope for President (@BuckyIsotope) May 24, 2015
16.
I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
— brent (@murrman5) July 23, 2015
17.
I love eating ASS!
A – Apples
S – Spinach
S – Some ass— Suya Boy Tellem (@IfyNwadiwe) May 17, 2018
18.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m' lady.— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) June 23, 2017
19.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 12, 2018
20.
The FBI kicks in my door as I drop the fifth and final dreadlock that once belonged to a member of korn into the cauldron. They’re too late.
— vineyille (@vineyille) May 6, 2018
21.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good— parody account humor parody satire (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2015
22.
after watching a movie on netflix please rewind it by dragging the red circle back to the beginning for the next viewer thanks
— slick (@dlicj) March 16, 2018
23.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can't do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
— Musky Lozenge ☣️ (@LostCatDog) February 18, 2013
