Mike
One of my favorite things to do at the end of a long day is going to my local bar, sipping a whiskey on the patio under the setting Los Angeles sun, surrounded by beautiful actors and models happily chatting away, but also never really seeing any of that because I’m looking at tweets on my phone. Like, the whole time. It’s great. The tweets are never ending. That Los Angeles sun will set. The bar will close. Most of these actors and models will give up, move home, and start a family they’ll grow to resent. But the tweets? Ah, the tweets. The tweets are forever.
1.
This is it. This is the cup of coffee that makes me a genius.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 12, 2018
2.
I like my women like I like my ancient spiral staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) July 7, 2018
3.
[2040, a man in his 40's is out with a younger woman.]
MAN: Now how does someone YOUR age know Charlie Bit My Finger?
WOMAN: I guess I'm just an old soul.— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) July 10, 2018
4.
Every summer, I shed my now-tight jeans and crawl along the shore until I find a larger, abandoned pair of jeans to make my new home.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) July 8, 2018
5.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) May 25, 2017
6.
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
— brent (@murrman5) July 3, 2017
7.
https://twitter.com/leifromloihi/status/704044144327565312
8.
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
9.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) June 12, 2018
10.
doctor: you have a calcaneonavicular fracture in your foot
me: what's that?
doctor: it's like a hand that you walk on
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) June 1, 2018
11.
lebron james is the michael Jordan of basketball
— slick (@dlicj) May 28, 2018
12.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I'd love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
— RobotRowboat™ (@robotrowboat) August 24, 2014
13.
https://twitter.com/notacroc/status/865377862295146497
14.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/759619868463202306
15.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 12, 2018
16.
ladies please don't try to hold my hand. i'll hold my own hand. it's called praying, you should try it sometime
— ♥mark magark♥ (@markedly) May 5, 2018
17.
https://twitter.com/boring_as_heck/status/604761050857095168
18.
https://twitter.com/aligarchy/status/946451649521995781
19.
steve miller: hey man, some people call me the space cowboy
me: cool
steve miller: they also call me the gangster of love
me [already out of earshot]: what?— chris (@BassoonJokes) April 18, 2018
20.
https://twitter.com/boynamedshark/status/1008514558242287619
21.
me when i realize it's gonna be 94 degrees today pic.twitter.com/60zB79IMOh
— bobby (@bobby) June 11, 2017
22.
bob marley ‘get up stand up’ voice:
give up, pic.twitter.com/4qAk1l29Tl
— skip intro (@chuchugoogoo) May 25, 2018
