One of my favorite things to do at the end of a long day is going to my local bar, sipping a whiskey on the patio under the setting Los Angeles sun, surrounded by beautiful actors and models happily chatting away, but also never really seeing any of that because Iβm looking at tweets on my phone. Like, the whole time. Itβs great. The tweets are never ending. That Los Angeles sun will set. The bar will close. Most of these actors and models will give up, move home, and start a family theyβll grow to resent. But the tweets? Ah, the tweets. The tweets are forever.
1.
This is it. This is the cup of coffee that makes me a genius.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 12, 2018
2.
I like my women like I like my ancient spiral staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) July 7, 2018
3.
[2040, a man in his 40's is out with a younger woman.]
MAN: Now how does someone YOUR age know Charlie Bit My Finger?
WOMAN: I guess I'm just an old soul.— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) July 10, 2018
4.
Every summer, I shed my now-tight jeans and crawl along the shore until I find a larger, abandoned pair of jeans to make my new home.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) July 8, 2018
5.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what— Dr. Bucky Isotope for President (@BuckyIsotope) May 25, 2017
6.
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
— brent (@murrman5) July 3, 2017
7.
it all began because bustin made me feel good. but now i'm bustin to feel normal. bustin to feel anything at all.
— πβ―πΎ (@leifromloihi) February 28, 2016
8.
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
9.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) June 12, 2018
10.
doctor: you have a calcaneonavicular fracture in your foot
me: what's that?
doctor: it's like a hand that you walk on
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) June 1, 2018
11.
lebron james is the michael Jordan of basketball
— slick (@dlicj) May 28, 2018
12.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I'd love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
— Troutman (@robotrowboat) August 24, 2014
13.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
— ally πππππ ππ§βπ³ππ³οΈβπ (@notacroc) May 19, 2017
14.
mom: *gives birth to me*
doctor: youβre better than this— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 31, 2016
15.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 12, 2018
16.
ladies please don't try to hold my hand. i'll hold my own hand. it's called praying, you should try it sometime
— β₯ mark β₯ (@markedly) May 5, 2018
17.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good— parody account humor parody satire (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2015
18.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) December 28, 2017
19.
steve miller: hey man, some people call me the space cowboy
me: cool
steve miller: they also call me the gangster of love
me [already out of earshot]: what?— chris (@BassoonJokes) April 18, 2018
20.
itβs 90 degrees out. this is your moment, my guy. if not now, when ? pic.twitter.com/4jZ0ndrxov
— kevin shark (@boynamedshark) June 18, 2018
21.
me when i realize it's gonna be 94 degrees today pic.twitter.com/60zB79IMOh
— inside man (@bobby) June 11, 2017
22.
bob marley βget up stand upβ voice:
give up, pic.twitter.com/4qAk1l29Tl
— patty burgers (@chuchugoogoo) May 25, 2018