I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) July 17, 2018
2.
tattoo artist: you'll just have to come back when you have more money
me: [with only three ninja turtles tattooed on my arm] but i look ridiculous— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) July 6, 2018
3.
I always dreamed of a summer lovin like Sandy & Danny but here in NL finding a moose in my pool is probs as close as I'm gonna get pic.twitter.com/aea0nkTYgZ
— Kerri Claire (@kerriclaireneil) July 6, 2018
4.
.@Lyft if you guys decide to do a restaurant delivery program like UberEats, you should call it ForkLyft. Thank you.
— ohWell (@contriteperson) June 21, 2018
5.
Big Sean + Lil Wayne = Medium Shane
I won't be reading any replies to this
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 19, 2018
6.
Every day, ask yourself: am I closer to my goal of managing a haunted bed and breakfast perched upon a weathered cliff
— Mave (home version) (@MavenofHonor) October 12, 2017
7.
my dog’s best friend is a brick pic.twitter.com/AcWZM4JvZJ
— ari (@aritsmo) May 30, 2018
8.
my mom owns a cheesecake business and she’s got some questions pic.twitter.com/c3wlw9iIz4
— adri (gamer anti) (@adrienne_bc) May 26, 2018
9.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) May 23, 2018
10.
UNTITLED BOBA FETT PROJECT
INT: SARLACC STOMACH
CLOSE UP ON BOBA FETT IN FULL ARMOR, FLOATING IN LUMINESCENT DIGESTIVE GOO
BOBA FETT (v.o)
Yep, that's me. Bet you're wondering how I ended up here.SMASH CUT TO:
EXT: BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL, 1992
— Mary Gillis (@living_marble) May 25, 2018
11.
What idiot called it a calf and not a mooborn
— oll (@dulcetry) October 21, 2014
12.
unfollow me now if you play the flute, I don't need that kind of drama in my life. clarinet players can stay but you're on fucking thin ice
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) April 30, 2018